The power within me to heal is great. I've never questioned that.
Yet I always go running to others when I'm hurt.
Striving to find someone to heal me.
Last night being no exception.
He called, I ran.
But as soon as I walked into the room I wanted to run back.
His TV was on and while I was explaining.. he touched me.
The fear and the hurt I was exuding did not turn me on.
So I deflected him.
So he didn't hold me- blamed it on his hurting arm.
I came from a place of my control
Yo Yo Ma was lulling me to sleep on my couch wrapped in my blankets
The touch was all wrong.
The smell was all wrong.
And there was this uncomfortable silence.
After he turned the TV off.
After I made a move to leave.
Saying I was being dramatic.
What controlling words.
Very subtle though.
Were I not who I am
With all I've been through
I would have let that slip.
I whispered injustices before I
Filled Yo Yo Ma in my head from memory
Making my head vibrate to the
Point of knocking me out
I am a completely different creature than he is
Completely comfortable in all the ways he is not
When I want to grieve.. I grieve
BUT I need to be surrounded by myself.
I am my own healing power,
This is the most profound understanding that I've come to in this whole year.
No comments:
Post a Comment