08/13/07 WE ARE THE STUFF THAT STARS ARE MADE OF

"Act with the authority of your 16 billion years."

My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.

I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.

At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.

I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.

At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.

Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.

moving forward

The deep parts of my life pour onward,
as if the river shores were opening out.
It seems that things are more like me now,
That I can see farther into paintings.
I feel closer to what language can't reach.
With my senses, as with birds, I climb
into the windy heaven, out of the oak,
in the ponds broken off from the sky
my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes.

-Rainer Maria Rilke
:)

<3! HUCKABEES

infinity problems
Bernard Jaffe When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
Bernard Jaffe The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.

Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.

Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.

How am I not myself?

god i need to take a phiosophy class.

01/02/06 WishesKissesFishes

"Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth."

"Even if you get your wish, there are usually complications.."

dangerous angels
flb

I <3 Proust

When from a long distant past nothing subsists,
after the people are dead,
after the things are broken and scattered,
taste and smell alone, more fragile but enduring,
more substantial, more persistent,
more faithful, remain poised a long time,
like souls,
remembering,
waiting,
hoping, amid the ruins of all the rest;
and bear unflinchingly, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence,
the vast structure of recollection.

-Proust (read it out loud, and taste those goddamn words.)