vitality vs mortality

i had been watching a few of those heart warming films for gay/bi/transgendered kids out there.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo

I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.

I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.

I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.

After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.

The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.

What is the worth of this life?

I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.

So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...

I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.

Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.

Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.

Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.

Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.

Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.

You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.

PBS on mental illness

It was very informative. And I related to a lot. However.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.

YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.

You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.

Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.

I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.

AHHH PBS. FAIL.

robot gf vs skin and bones.

http://www.buzzybloggers.com/technology/967/roxxxy-robot-girlfriend-debuts-photo-and-pics/

just a short commentary.

at first i thought:
finally! now creeps who want a girl to screw and just be there the rest of the time will leave us real girls alone.

second thought:
wait. is that really all guys want from partners? ive heard so many say "i just want to be happy" "no drama" is that all you want in life? because true happiness is not found in lethargy.

third thought:
that is kind of weird and disturbing

then i forgot about it. i feel comatose stressed out and need a real smoke.
all my shit is surrounding me and its hard to get grounded.

taking a shower it came to mind again.
I am love with humans. People. Raw emotion. Kissing tears. Being moved.
Human flaws can be just as beautiful. Human quirks are wonderful.
How sad to live in a world where your gf is so fake she can only say she understands how you feel.
i may lead a very interesting life.. and it may not always be "happy" but goddamn it.
i am a human being after all.

08/13/07 WE ARE THE STUFF THAT STARS ARE MADE OF

"Act with the authority of your 16 billion years."

My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.

I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.

At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.

I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.

At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.

Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.

The Big O

I want to be the big O. Complete. Whole. Solid.


I am a genuine person. I mean what I say and say what I mean.

I have come to the understanding that philosophy is my religion.
religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe
philosophy: the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.

I live to better myself so that I can live up to my own code of ethics. I need to learn to incorporate what I believe into my life, and how to balance with sacrifice of survival.
Action is a lot, but its understanding too.
There is so much I have discussed with my roommate.
I am so lucky to have him. We get along so well.
He brings things to my attention.. like how powerful I am.
:)
I am powerful.

<3! HUCKABEES

infinity problems
Bernard Jaffe When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
Bernard Jaffe The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.

Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.

Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.

How am I not myself?

god i need to take a phiosophy class.

01/03/09 It is in my spirit

It is in my spirit.
Every year I struggle I become more and more resourceful.
My roommate was talking about how we are economic slaves.
If I don't need that much money to survive because I become resourceful, how am I a slave?
I am happy. I am enjoying life even though it is a struggle.
I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish I would have excess energy so that I could live all of the lives I want to live.
Promote change in my communities while raising kids.
I hope and I wish I will have both in my lifetime.
I know I am strong. I know that many people have helped me get this far.
The ideas and philosophies I set my life by build my faith in myself.
It is all that keeps me going, sometimes.
Talking about planning Batman cartoon parties and moving to the city helps.
Thinking that I have life long friends helps. So does knowing that I will always have people who care about me.
Think about what drives you.
Because how you live your life, who you love and inspire and dream with.
That is your worth.

Diversity and imaginary friends

Just a quick thought before it goes away.
A huge bother button for me is when people think that the way they are living life is the correct way to live life.
There is no right way to live life. Except to continually grow in one way or another.
That's it.
Grow.
Accept your individual needs and grow. Everything else is arbitrary. You die eventually. It's really no big deal. As long as you live to your fullest. And personally speaking, I have had a Very adventure, risk taking, fun, enhancing life so far. And I am not even half way done! If I play my cards (and god be willing) I'll get another 50, 6o years in.

Lemme tell you I'm so serious when I say I need this move. I want to hear myself think again. I want to be in an environment where I am able to function the way that works for me. It's been so long..

I was in my element in Easthampton. I want that back. Bad.Even if I had imaginary friends. And you bet I did. When I was listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, I would have an imaginary fun boyfriend with suspenders and a hat in the doorway to the bathroom making funny faces at me.When I had my art supplies spread out all over the living room, I had a comforting presence of an imaginary craft buddy. And when I was listening to The Reining Sound and oh so loudly singing to myself and dancing and jumping around the room, I had company.

At least I know real flesh and blood people like me too. Though I will never lose my imaginary friends.
And I don't think I've ever told anyone about this.. so welcome to Emily coming out about a part of her imagination.
Maybe they are there because I have always had trouble accepting myself. It helps me.
But a flesh and blood friend wants to go play in the snow, now.
I'm so there. :)

Virginia Woolf 10/10/09

Reading about Virginia is making me so frustrated.
I know those feelings all too well. "Her incurable madness- this 'whirring of the wings in the brain'" -PwaN pg 171
Using anything to dull the pain. Anything that would work.
Anything that would get us to that mysterious sense of self.. Because neuroscience still has no idea what holds all of our fragments of mind together.
THIS is horrifying to me:

As Woolf began to write the novel, in the fall of 1922, shell shock was starting to be recognized as a genuine psychiatric illness. Elaine Showalter has pointed out that doctors treated this new scourge using the same blunt tools they had been using on women such as Woolf for more than twenty years. These treatments included drugging the patients with bromides, confining them to bed and force-feeding them milk, and pulling their teeth, which was believed to lower the temperature of the body. Other unfortunate patients got the fever cure, in which psychosis was treated with an injection of malaria, tuberculosis, or typhoid. The Nobel Prize was awarded for this sadistic treatment in 1927.pg 173 ftnote

Fuck. Even just being confined to bed would drive me to suicide when I was at my worst. I promise you that.

And we may look at this and cringe.. but look at our nation now. How many pills are out there? To cover up our symptoms? I took meds eventually for my family.. because I was hard to live with.
And I've been ashamed of my mental illness.
ASHAMED
Fuck that.
I've worked on myself a lot. And now I'd like a therapist to compare me to any "healthy. normal" person. Who is more empathetic? How do our morals compare? Who eats better? Who gets decent exercise?
Surely not the ex-psychotic!

Maybe if we learn how to treat each other properly..
ourselves..
Maybe if we stop trying to "fix" ourselves for other people.
Maybe if we look around and build ourselves building blocks from the beginning...
We wouldn't fall so far.
We wouldn't feel so cornered.
Helpless.
Alone.
Powerless.

Stretching our bodies out to their full length.
Breathing in and out with purpose.
Experiencing things that make our sensations soar.
Sharing all kinds of feelings with like minded people.
And getting to the point where we can focus enough to learn what makes us excited.
And then learning it.
Or doing it.
And learn how to survive and keep our perspectives straight in this consumer priority society.
What matters to us?

For me. My bike. It keeps me in shape and happy.
My cat. He's my partner in crime.
My out of the box relationships and the lifestyle that fits me best.
Listening to my gut.
Loving as many people as I can.
Sharing with as many people as I can.
LEARNING.

What if Woolf was misdiagnosed?
What if she just didn't fit.
It's hard when you just don't fit.
And more and more I'm realizing it's really quite ok that I don't.

Main Objective 09/14/09

To study neuroscience, psychology and sociology. I want to bridge the gap between the sciences and the humanities. I want to communicate healthy ideas that will help us with this nation's epidemic of mental illness so that we will be in the right space to heal both physically and spiritually.

<3!

Really exciting.

Fir In the Mind Quotes and some of what it makes me think so far 09/11/09

"In the end, there is no way to know whether science is converging on a single truth, the way the universe is, or simply building artificial structures, tools that allow us to predict, to some extent, and to explain and control."
pg 6

WOAH. I've NEVER thought about this before. We are so taught to just accept science as fact that I feel like a complete moron to never think about this.
PERSPECTIVE
Always question.

Terra incognita <3> historical science Physics-> search for absolutes"

Santa Fe Institute-> seek to explain how our unfeeling universe gives rise to life, mind and society" pg 3

Unfeeling?! Does this just mean frontal lobes? Do other animals use their frontal lobes at all? Do plants grow differently surrounded by negative energy? What part of the universe is unfeeling? Isn't it just balances of negative and positives? Society= diff. animal habitats? How we interact with each other and our environment.

"Once a person becomes enmeshed in an ideology or a scientist in a hypothesis, it is difficult not to see confirmation everywhere. "Our brains are wired to see order, but we are prisoners of our nervous systems. Cursed with never knowing when we are seeing truths out there in the universe and when we are merely inventing elaborate architectures." pg 21

Kind of like when interpreting art. Life and the universe is art. Is there any way of really knowing? MUST we know? Is it really That important? Or should we be happy with our own interpretations?

Why the universe is the way it is?
Why are we here?
Why do I simplify- or feel the need to simplify this question?
The answer has always been the same for me.
Life= to Love to Learn. To enjoy the journey. To take care of each other.
Bottom line.
Is this truth for everyone? No idea. But it is my truth and has been ever since I was old enough to reason.

"In building a theory of the world, it helps if one's vision is a little blurry."
pg 44
hahahahahahah

"We invent spaces all the time, so compulsively that the talent seems to be wired into our nervous systems. An outgrowth of the evolutionarily advantageous ability to picture mentally what is not immediately before our eyes... moving closer to a goal, we are abstracting the notion of physical space." pg 47

The Golden Rule 08/12/09

Mosley helped me with my first theory. It blew my mind, but stays with me.
She's gone through much more than me, and yet I was having so much trouble with pain when I was at Antioch. She told me: You cannot compare pain. Pain is pain.What grew from that is feelings are feelings. You must pay attention to them and honor yourself. If you have a certain feeling. You must be aware of it, convey it if it involves someone else and deal with it.

The second theory is that everyone is in constant crises. Including myself. Including yourself. It is how we handle it and treat each other. That is what life is ALL about. If I let someone walk all over me because they are going through crises I will forever be letting them walk all over me. I addition to or ignoring my own crises. Way way unhealthy.

Growing up as a Female I had anxiety and grew up in a narrow minded Christianity sect where shame was rampant.
So. As soon as I got out of there, I've been working on taking back what is mine: my space.

I have a right to be treated in a certain way. I have a right to my feelings. I have a right to my space.
And I vow I will learn to take up my space.
All of it.
And be a wonderful glowing person. Whole. Complete and giving.

The Golden Rule: Be a Good person.
Whatever good is to you. If you are good, you will love yourself.Then you can love the people around you.

Simple concepts to put everything in perspective.