one cool midsummer's night
i took a walk
what did i seek to find
on my walk
the moon was full
the stars were bright
and in my eyes they danced
open my arms and find my heart
this is how the magic starts
Showing posts with label poem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poem. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
drowning
i hear you
oh ocean waves
whispering my own impending doom
like rolling poetry
you ever wait for me
underneath my subconscious
i feel the fatal pull
under under under
i'll find peace and truth
under under under
you'll have your banquet feast
and i
i will bow to uncertainty
to find it fixed
to my mortality
that end will draw me near!
you give me no warning
i'll ne'er shed a tear
and peaceful drown
with water clear
oh ocean waves
whispering my own impending doom
like rolling poetry
you ever wait for me
underneath my subconscious
i feel the fatal pull
under under under
i'll find peace and truth
under under under
you'll have your banquet feast
and i
i will bow to uncertainty
to find it fixed
to my mortality
that end will draw me near!
you give me no warning
i'll ne'er shed a tear
and peaceful drown
with water clear
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
03/16/07 Tangents of Thoughts While Shaving
there is something so soothing in feeling the razor move against my skin
cleansing away all the burdens angst disappointments of the day leaving me in a sense of yen i seek comfort and tranquility in this sensuous melodic ritual of our culture
i look in the mirror and shudder at the transparency of my skin
i look fondly at the scars on my legs and the angry red scratches on my back
every scratch becomes a part of me
my comfort.
cleansing away all the burdens angst disappointments of the day leaving me in a sense of yen i seek comfort and tranquility in this sensuous melodic ritual of our culture
i look in the mirror and shudder at the transparency of my skin
i look fondly at the scars on my legs and the angry red scratches on my back
every scratch becomes a part of me
my comfort.
08/13/07 Drawing Breath in From a Clove
drawing breath in from a clove
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
08/13/07 WE ARE THE STUFF THAT STARS ARE MADE OF
"Act with the authority of your 16 billion years."
My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.
I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.
At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.
I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.
At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.
Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.
My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.
I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.
At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.
I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.
At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.
Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.
05/09/08 On the Road
hours in passing
driving into the sunset
moon full and ripe low in the sky behind me
headed for my transient home
im trading in rolling rising heaps of earth kissing the sky
for two significant ladies and water
and sand
this man reminds me very much of my late papa:
http://www.cornelwest.com/
driving into the sunset
moon full and ripe low in the sky behind me
headed for my transient home
im trading in rolling rising heaps of earth kissing the sky
for two significant ladies and water
and sand
this man reminds me very much of my late papa:
http://www.cornelwest.com/
10/12/08 nomads
purging/moving is so clean. im not moving far enough, but its a new start with a friend.
its scary how fast i can delete people out of my life.
im stung but damn im efficient.
ill turn my hellfire into hotness and wear that around the city today.
its scary how fast i can delete people out of my life.
im stung but damn im efficient.
ill turn my hellfire into hotness and wear that around the city today.
Monday, December 28, 2009
02/07/06
its as if im held together by glue, but there are cracks all over
or as if i have a stable foundation below me,
but im overflowing and strips of pain are bubbling over.
or as if i have a stable foundation below me,
but im overflowing and strips of pain are bubbling over.
Grapefruit poem!
soft pulpy grapefruit
i love the way you melt on my tongue
i will shower you with sugar and tenderly section you into bite sizes
i will suck your flesh off of the bitter skin
when i cannot savor your flesh any more..
i will squeeze you and drink all your bittersweet lovely juice
i love you soft pulpy grapefruit.
08/21/06
doors consistently opening and closing and reopening in my path.. sometimes i walk into them. sometimes i see them coming a mile away.
always trying to pull through on top
all the while my head my mind is spinning and more than half the time i have no idea whats going on
careful now.
not to break my fall
so its forever freefalling into possiblities
i refuse to live without passion risk or excitement.
at the same time picking up all the pieces can get tiring.
balance and coordination will get me through. believe me.
as long as i can feel the sun on my skin my mind will balance.
<3
08/28/06
driving home with tight lips and tears on constant threat of spilling onto my cheeks energy building up screaming lyrics harmonies until they become nothing distinguishable from the migrane pounding in my head turn it up so that my mind might explode trying not to think of pearls of blood and how sweet the salt is laughing to hysterics with my friends voice over the phone as i try and calm down exhaustion creepingaround the corners with suggestion of a crash
home collapse drugs blankets cat stevens sleep
home collapse drugs blankets cat stevens sleep
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Virginia Woolf 10/10/09
Reading about Virginia is making me so frustrated.
I know those feelings all too well. "Her incurable madness- this 'whirring of the wings in the brain'" -PwaN pg 171
Using anything to dull the pain. Anything that would work.
Anything that would get us to that mysterious sense of self.. Because neuroscience still has no idea what holds all of our fragments of mind together.
THIS is horrifying to me:
As Woolf began to write the novel, in the fall of 1922, shell shock was starting to be recognized as a genuine psychiatric illness. Elaine Showalter has pointed out that doctors treated this new scourge using the same blunt tools they had been using on women such as Woolf for more than twenty years. These treatments included drugging the patients with bromides, confining them to bed and force-feeding them milk, and pulling their teeth, which was believed to lower the temperature of the body. Other unfortunate patients got the fever cure, in which psychosis was treated with an injection of malaria, tuberculosis, or typhoid. The Nobel Prize was awarded for this sadistic treatment in 1927.pg 173 ftnote
Fuck. Even just being confined to bed would drive me to suicide when I was at my worst. I promise you that.
And we may look at this and cringe.. but look at our nation now. How many pills are out there? To cover up our symptoms? I took meds eventually for my family.. because I was hard to live with.
And I've been ashamed of my mental illness.
ASHAMED
Fuck that.
I've worked on myself a lot. And now I'd like a therapist to compare me to any "healthy. normal" person. Who is more empathetic? How do our morals compare? Who eats better? Who gets decent exercise?
Surely not the ex-psychotic!
Maybe if we learn how to treat each other properly..
ourselves..
Maybe if we stop trying to "fix" ourselves for other people.
Maybe if we look around and build ourselves building blocks from the beginning...
We wouldn't fall so far.
We wouldn't feel so cornered.
Helpless.
Alone.
Powerless.
Stretching our bodies out to their full length.
Breathing in and out with purpose.
Experiencing things that make our sensations soar.
Sharing all kinds of feelings with like minded people.
And getting to the point where we can focus enough to learn what makes us excited.
And then learning it.
Or doing it.
And learn how to survive and keep our perspectives straight in this consumer priority society.
What matters to us?
For me. My bike. It keeps me in shape and happy.
My cat. He's my partner in crime.
My out of the box relationships and the lifestyle that fits me best.
Listening to my gut.
Loving as many people as I can.
Sharing with as many people as I can.
LEARNING.
What if Woolf was misdiagnosed?
What if she just didn't fit.
It's hard when you just don't fit.
And more and more I'm realizing it's really quite ok that I don't.
I know those feelings all too well. "Her incurable madness- this 'whirring of the wings in the brain'" -PwaN pg 171
Using anything to dull the pain. Anything that would work.
Anything that would get us to that mysterious sense of self.. Because neuroscience still has no idea what holds all of our fragments of mind together.
THIS is horrifying to me:
As Woolf began to write the novel, in the fall of 1922, shell shock was starting to be recognized as a genuine psychiatric illness. Elaine Showalter has pointed out that doctors treated this new scourge using the same blunt tools they had been using on women such as Woolf for more than twenty years. These treatments included drugging the patients with bromides, confining them to bed and force-feeding them milk, and pulling their teeth, which was believed to lower the temperature of the body. Other unfortunate patients got the fever cure, in which psychosis was treated with an injection of malaria, tuberculosis, or typhoid. The Nobel Prize was awarded for this sadistic treatment in 1927.pg 173 ftnote
Fuck. Even just being confined to bed would drive me to suicide when I was at my worst. I promise you that.
And we may look at this and cringe.. but look at our nation now. How many pills are out there? To cover up our symptoms? I took meds eventually for my family.. because I was hard to live with.
And I've been ashamed of my mental illness.
ASHAMED
Fuck that.
I've worked on myself a lot. And now I'd like a therapist to compare me to any "healthy. normal" person. Who is more empathetic? How do our morals compare? Who eats better? Who gets decent exercise?
Surely not the ex-psychotic!
Maybe if we learn how to treat each other properly..
ourselves..
Maybe if we stop trying to "fix" ourselves for other people.
Maybe if we look around and build ourselves building blocks from the beginning...
We wouldn't fall so far.
We wouldn't feel so cornered.
Helpless.
Alone.
Powerless.
Stretching our bodies out to their full length.
Breathing in and out with purpose.
Experiencing things that make our sensations soar.
Sharing all kinds of feelings with like minded people.
And getting to the point where we can focus enough to learn what makes us excited.
And then learning it.
Or doing it.
And learn how to survive and keep our perspectives straight in this consumer priority society.
What matters to us?
For me. My bike. It keeps me in shape and happy.
My cat. He's my partner in crime.
My out of the box relationships and the lifestyle that fits me best.
Listening to my gut.
Loving as many people as I can.
Sharing with as many people as I can.
LEARNING.
What if Woolf was misdiagnosed?
What if she just didn't fit.
It's hard when you just don't fit.
And more and more I'm realizing it's really quite ok that I don't.
gore 09/13/09
Ripped open and raw
Trying desperately to cover up emotion with emotion
And it feels like a free falling waterfall, my life
Full of adrenaline
Moments of ecstasy and flying
Moments of drowning
Moments where you feel yourself getting torn from limb to limb
Then there is the numbness
Reaching out for anything to ground yourself
You find clarity in the chaos
Realizing that it never really matters anyway
But it all does
So you just keep struggling
Until you learn to ride the waterfall
And little by little
Accept
Trying desperately to cover up emotion with emotion
And it feels like a free falling waterfall, my life
Full of adrenaline
Moments of ecstasy and flying
Moments of drowning
Moments where you feel yourself getting torn from limb to limb
Then there is the numbness
Reaching out for anything to ground yourself
You find clarity in the chaos
Realizing that it never really matters anyway
But it all does
So you just keep struggling
Until you learn to ride the waterfall
And little by little
Accept
Secret Heart 09/12/09
Secret heart stay hidden so you don't get torn anymore.
Emotion stay surface so I can skim over the pain.
Let me lace my reasoning around you delicately but firm.
But you are too strong for my fine lace.
With a beat that matches the moon you burn like a fire.
And I cannot contain you.
And so I burn silent and strong.
And my confidence lies with Mother Earth and Grandmother Moon.
Give me ritual. Give me peace. Give me grace.
<3
Emotion stay surface so I can skim over the pain.
Let me lace my reasoning around you delicately but firm.
But you are too strong for my fine lace.
With a beat that matches the moon you burn like a fire.
And I cannot contain you.
And so I burn silent and strong.
And my confidence lies with Mother Earth and Grandmother Moon.
Give me ritual. Give me peace. Give me grace.
<3
Tarot 08/16/09
wandering in circles- much more resembling orbs
sometimes i feel more trapped inside them
taking comfort from the familiarity
dreading the same old answers
the unknowns. what is to be.
i focus on what is known
what is within my power
and then sometimes its not enough
so i find my cards
neatly lined up
tell stories of heart ache heart break
failure and success
will you tell me please what's next?
i'm dying to know
crawling out of my skin
anxious
as i've ever been
sometimes i feel more trapped inside them
taking comfort from the familiarity
dreading the same old answers
the unknowns. what is to be.
i focus on what is known
what is within my power
and then sometimes its not enough
so i find my cards
neatly lined up
tell stories of heart ache heart break
failure and success
will you tell me please what's next?
i'm dying to know
crawling out of my skin
anxious
as i've ever been
Scrawls in my notebook that got wet 08/12/09
Every time I come back I feel people become less and less sincere.
As becoming a stranger sets in an inevitable cloud of unconscious awkwardness Obligation to say hello instead of want.
"You are the artist of your life"
Words I wouldn't mind tattooed on my body:
Respect ?
Pride tramp stamp :P
Empathy arm
Passion behind my ear
Kindness arm
Patience arm
Love behind my other ear
"Most Americans occupy the middle ground: we want it all. We want to cheer on science's strides and humble ourselves on the Sabbath"
David Van Biema
Nov 13, 2006
Time
Bottom pg 54
communication in the future
"less inbreeding"
less culture?
tradition?
communities?
pg 38 Seed
"US scientists were more likely to be religious than their international colleagues, as well as much more likely to describe themselves as spiritual."
pg 66
"Science has eroded the need for religion." True or False.. scientist poll says 35% think true
With the tools school will help me achieve I believe I will be in a much better position to reach the potential that is so painfully apparent to myself and those around me. It is frustrating feeling like a loser when at the same time I know I have so much to offer the world. I'm mediocre in the jobs I have now because it's not my passion. I don't have to be mediocre.It's a trapped feeling- like running out of air and I don't know how to save myself because every angle looks so futile as if I'm walking into a million traps every direction I step into. I'm tired of walking in circles. I'm tired of this drowning feeling. I'm tired of not progressing.
I'm overcome at how good people can be toward each other. And how much gratitude I feel each day.
Because someone covered my bike seat with plastic because it rained. Or the man who just let me onto the train with his pass. Or my [then] bf who only just wants to make me as happy as I make him.
My grandmother taking me in her arms.
<3> For Mr. David Cantor
Winding around the twisting corners deep within the belly of the earth
My wish
Carry me away
Indecision
Going my way straight and pure as I
Can muster
Doing right by my own
My brain is mush
Right down to the bone
Leaving beyond myself to their own control
Someday things will all -------------
Dancing in a drunken state
Sharing secret glances
Humming low enough to be the train
Thoughts keep going in a lucid state
Do I dare?
I've played this game before.
I might.
Like the zipper of your leather jacket
I remember how we came undone
Holding you in my arms so unsure
How to make it right
You killed me with that one
On that night I knew you loved me
And that it would never be
Even though it was right
Your wounds were so deep
And I feel that happening
With everyone I meet
It didn't start with you
It didn't end with you
But you are the one that made sense
As becoming a stranger sets in an inevitable cloud of unconscious awkwardness Obligation to say hello instead of want.
"You are the artist of your life"
Words I wouldn't mind tattooed on my body:
Respect ?
Pride tramp stamp :P
Empathy arm
Passion behind my ear
Kindness arm
Patience arm
Love behind my other ear
"Most Americans occupy the middle ground: we want it all. We want to cheer on science's strides and humble ourselves on the Sabbath"
David Van Biema
Nov 13, 2006
Time
Bottom pg 54
communication in the future
"less inbreeding"
less culture?
tradition?
communities?
pg 38 Seed
"US scientists were more likely to be religious than their international colleagues, as well as much more likely to describe themselves as spiritual."
pg 66
"Science has eroded the need for religion." True or False.. scientist poll says 35% think true
With the tools school will help me achieve I believe I will be in a much better position to reach the potential that is so painfully apparent to myself and those around me. It is frustrating feeling like a loser when at the same time I know I have so much to offer the world. I'm mediocre in the jobs I have now because it's not my passion. I don't have to be mediocre.It's a trapped feeling- like running out of air and I don't know how to save myself because every angle looks so futile as if I'm walking into a million traps every direction I step into. I'm tired of walking in circles. I'm tired of this drowning feeling. I'm tired of not progressing.
I'm overcome at how good people can be toward each other. And how much gratitude I feel each day.
Because someone covered my bike seat with plastic because it rained. Or the man who just let me onto the train with his pass. Or my [then] bf who only just wants to make me as happy as I make him.
My grandmother taking me in her arms.
<3> For Mr. David Cantor
Winding around the twisting corners deep within the belly of the earth
My wish
Carry me away
Indecision
Going my way straight and pure as I
Can muster
Doing right by my own
My brain is mush
Right down to the bone
Leaving beyond myself to their own control
Someday things will all -------------
Dancing in a drunken state
Sharing secret glances
Humming low enough to be the train
Thoughts keep going in a lucid state
Do I dare?
I've played this game before.
I might.
Like the zipper of your leather jacket
I remember how we came undone
Holding you in my arms so unsure
How to make it right
You killed me with that one
On that night I knew you loved me
And that it would never be
Even though it was right
Your wounds were so deep
And I feel that happening
With everyone I meet
It didn't start with you
It didn't end with you
But you are the one that made sense
Mermaid Dreams 04/06/09
Abandoning today I stare into what I've been for as long as I can remember Wrap myself in the comfort of familiar things and allow myself to breathe forgetting all recent events Trading them in for tea parties, dress up and dreaming of rock concerts and dancing in front of mirrors.
No one could ever touch my imagination, but that was always what I wanted most.So I made them up. People who could go with me through my mind and knew all that needed to be known without any form of communication except a smile.Dreams of the circus and riding unicycles with Daddy. Dreams of traveling to lands where the gardens where completely wild and i could ride on elephants having conversations with the monkeys.
Ivy covers everything. Then I'm in a desert, everything is rose colored. I'm twirling around and around adrenaline speeding in with the spinning falling and laughing and wild horses.Hating everything in real life until my parents forced me to try something and I loved it.Losing myself in reading about worlds that I still wish are real.
No one could ever touch my imagination, but that was always what I wanted most.So I made them up. People who could go with me through my mind and knew all that needed to be known without any form of communication except a smile.Dreams of the circus and riding unicycles with Daddy. Dreams of traveling to lands where the gardens where completely wild and i could ride on elephants having conversations with the monkeys.
Ivy covers everything. Then I'm in a desert, everything is rose colored. I'm twirling around and around adrenaline speeding in with the spinning falling and laughing and wild horses.Hating everything in real life until my parents forced me to try something and I loved it.Losing myself in reading about worlds that I still wish are real.
a dream note left on my mother's dresser 01/19/07
Dinosaurs and Angels
carved out of stone
greeted me with their
white faces of bone.
carved out of stone
greeted me with their
white faces of bone.
broken dreams are curding in my mouth 10/19/06
its becoming sour
and the texture is becoming as sandpaper
do you realize how tired i am
of the old runaroundof feeling so undatable after the last rejection
fell into love with the wrong right man
again
believed all the lies
family drama
and burritos for dinner
world. will you please stop turning?
im trying to gain my balance.
stable job. stable house. cat.
sanity?
and the texture is becoming as sandpaper
do you realize how tired i am
of the old runaroundof feeling so undatable after the last rejection
fell into love with the wrong right man
again
believed all the lies
family drama
and burritos for dinner
world. will you please stop turning?
im trying to gain my balance.
stable job. stable house. cat.
sanity?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)