drawing breath in from a clove
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
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