i had been watching a few of those heart warming films for gay/bi/transgendered kids out there.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo
I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.
I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.
I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.
After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.
The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.
What is the worth of this life?
I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.
So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...
I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.
Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.
Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.
Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.
Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.
Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.
You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
valentine's day 2010
You better believe I was dressed to kill today.
Lady in a long black evening dress with her shiny lace bra peeking through.
Kept warm by her cashmere shawl and a black winter jacket shared by her sister.
Eyes done up pink and gold and dark red lips.
Worked all day. Sincerely cheerful, I played with people all day. Dancing around and joking.
I only felt it shoved in my face commuting.
But these heels walked proud today.
Now thrown in a corner, and my dress in a pile by my bed.
I smile as I was going to write about how sultry I am..
I'm a complete wreck. Makeup everywhere, dishes and emergen-c packets on my bed.
Because I've got a head cold. Which is not a surprise with how I've been eating lately. I want to bike tomorrow. I hate waiting for that goddamn bus and walking in the cold. I'd rather be flying in the cold and heated up by my own exertion.
Like I need anyone to tell me that I'm pretty on valentine's day.
Me being pretty is all many ever see and it is the bare surface of my worth.
My gut. My power. My fire. That is nothing the public eye can see.
Save for my blogs. :)
Anyone can be pretty.
My ethics and how I stand by for what I believe in.
How I choose my battles. How I compromise.
How I open my heart. Again. Again and Again. Even when the outcome seems futile.
My undying faith in humanity.
These are a few of the many things I hold inside of me that help determine my worth.
When I find a suitable partner, those will be the things in me that he loves.
He will love that I am wild. He will share my unquenchable thirst for knowledge and adventure. And we will curse the night and bless the world and live to the fullest.
Forever, amen.
Lady in a long black evening dress with her shiny lace bra peeking through.
Kept warm by her cashmere shawl and a black winter jacket shared by her sister.
Eyes done up pink and gold and dark red lips.
Worked all day. Sincerely cheerful, I played with people all day. Dancing around and joking.
I only felt it shoved in my face commuting.
But these heels walked proud today.
Now thrown in a corner, and my dress in a pile by my bed.
I smile as I was going to write about how sultry I am..
I'm a complete wreck. Makeup everywhere, dishes and emergen-c packets on my bed.
Because I've got a head cold. Which is not a surprise with how I've been eating lately. I want to bike tomorrow. I hate waiting for that goddamn bus and walking in the cold. I'd rather be flying in the cold and heated up by my own exertion.
Like I need anyone to tell me that I'm pretty on valentine's day.
Me being pretty is all many ever see and it is the bare surface of my worth.
My gut. My power. My fire. That is nothing the public eye can see.
Save for my blogs. :)
Anyone can be pretty.
My ethics and how I stand by for what I believe in.
How I choose my battles. How I compromise.
How I open my heart. Again. Again and Again. Even when the outcome seems futile.
My undying faith in humanity.
These are a few of the many things I hold inside of me that help determine my worth.
When I find a suitable partner, those will be the things in me that he loves.
He will love that I am wild. He will share my unquenchable thirst for knowledge and adventure. And we will curse the night and bless the world and live to the fullest.
Forever, amen.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I Want To Be Don Juan (Some last year scribbles)
It is very hard to walk anywhere and not communicate with someone.
There was a bird dancing in front of me.
This tiny delicate soft brown bird.
He would look back occasionally to see my labored trudge through the sand.
Eventually I got too close.
He chirped once and flew low over the rolling waves.
I worried for him.
Sometimes I am very aware hoe foreign the ocean is.
It's also hard not to have a destination.
I trekked up my dune and found myself looking over a valley of green.
Which reminds me strongly of A Land Before Time.
So feeling like a dinosaur I watch the sand roll beneath my feet.
I suddenly look up- I feel very small and vulnerable.
The stalks are my height.
Animals are rustling the leaves... grass...
As I progress- I decide to make myself physically smaller to own what I was feeling.
I see a tiny patch of shade and take advantage.
For a while I play in the sand.
The smell brings back memories of childhood.
I envision pirates and admire the straw colored grasshoppers.
Walking back I notice that the crab shells I'm finding are almost always a pair.
I wonder at the intelligence of the creatures I can't see.
Then I notice I'm stepping on breathing holes and I hurry out of the way.
Being unintrusive takes up a lot of my energy.
When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a mermaid.
My kindergarten teacher was a little worried.
Now I can't even go into the ocean without feeling like an intruder.
Up on the shore I start picking up
Admiring
The smoothness of the stones
The air feels so clean
I find a worry stone!
When I was little my parents were into alternative culture and I was into rocks.
They would take me to the rock and crystal store where there were bowls of pet rocks
Rocks separated by name
Rocks with totem animals engraved in them...
Worry stones are stones that have a dip in them where thumbs fit
You rub them and they absorb your negative energy
I heard this man made buzzing sound.
Annoyed I look up.
To my delight it was two toy planes and I peaked around the corner to the parking lot
I saw these two old men in suspenders.
I looked down smiling and found another worry stone.
Hurrying to the car I saw another man with a kite
And thought about how fun people are. Maybe I should buy my sister a kite.
There was a bird dancing in front of me.
This tiny delicate soft brown bird.
He would look back occasionally to see my labored trudge through the sand.
Eventually I got too close.
He chirped once and flew low over the rolling waves.
I worried for him.
Sometimes I am very aware hoe foreign the ocean is.
It's also hard not to have a destination.
I trekked up my dune and found myself looking over a valley of green.
Which reminds me strongly of A Land Before Time.
So feeling like a dinosaur I watch the sand roll beneath my feet.
I suddenly look up- I feel very small and vulnerable.
The stalks are my height.
Animals are rustling the leaves... grass...
As I progress- I decide to make myself physically smaller to own what I was feeling.
I see a tiny patch of shade and take advantage.
For a while I play in the sand.
The smell brings back memories of childhood.
I envision pirates and admire the straw colored grasshoppers.
Walking back I notice that the crab shells I'm finding are almost always a pair.
I wonder at the intelligence of the creatures I can't see.
Then I notice I'm stepping on breathing holes and I hurry out of the way.
Being unintrusive takes up a lot of my energy.
When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a mermaid.
My kindergarten teacher was a little worried.
Now I can't even go into the ocean without feeling like an intruder.
Up on the shore I start picking up
Admiring
The smoothness of the stones
The air feels so clean
I find a worry stone!
When I was little my parents were into alternative culture and I was into rocks.
They would take me to the rock and crystal store where there were bowls of pet rocks
Rocks separated by name
Rocks with totem animals engraved in them...
Worry stones are stones that have a dip in them where thumbs fit
You rub them and they absorb your negative energy
I heard this man made buzzing sound.
Annoyed I look up.
To my delight it was two toy planes and I peaked around the corner to the parking lot
I saw these two old men in suspenders.
I looked down smiling and found another worry stone.
Hurrying to the car I saw another man with a kite
And thought about how fun people are. Maybe I should buy my sister a kite.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
PBS on mental illness
It was very informative. And I related to a lot. However.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.
YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.
You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.
Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.
I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.
AHHH PBS. FAIL.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.
YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.
You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.
Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.
I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.
AHHH PBS. FAIL.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
robot gf vs skin and bones.
http://www.buzzybloggers.com/technology/967/roxxxy-robot-girlfriend-debuts-photo-and-pics/
just a short commentary.
at first i thought:
finally! now creeps who want a girl to screw and just be there the rest of the time will leave us real girls alone.
second thought:
wait. is that really all guys want from partners? ive heard so many say "i just want to be happy" "no drama" is that all you want in life? because true happiness is not found in lethargy.
third thought:
that is kind of weird and disturbing
then i forgot about it. i feel comatose stressed out and need a real smoke.
all my shit is surrounding me and its hard to get grounded.
taking a shower it came to mind again.
I am love with humans. People. Raw emotion. Kissing tears. Being moved.
Human flaws can be just as beautiful. Human quirks are wonderful.
How sad to live in a world where your gf is so fake she can only say she understands how you feel.
i may lead a very interesting life.. and it may not always be "happy" but goddamn it.
i am a human being after all.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
For the dead of winter. (New Year)
Equinox and solstice.
This time of the year through an "episode" of mine and my soon to be step father. I find that I have a neurological dysfunction.
What a sense of relief.
I mean it. Sincerely wholeheartedly and as genuine as I can. Thank God.
I'm starting to realize all of the things I just thought were quirks.. might be something more. Like reaching for the toilet paper coming out of the shower.. and then saying.. oops wrong one. And then grabbing the towel.
Or having to constantly remind myself of things not to forget them.
Or not relating to people my own age at all...
At least now I know what may be a factor.
Instead of it holding me back.. it feels like that knowledge has opened doors.
In other news. I still want a hula hoop. I may be getting sick and I want to be moved already. <3
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
08/13/07 Drawing Breath in From a Clove
drawing breath in from a clove
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
08/13/07 WE ARE THE STUFF THAT STARS ARE MADE OF
"Act with the authority of your 16 billion years."
My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.
I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.
At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.
I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.
At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.
Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.
My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.
I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.
At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.
I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.
At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.
Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.
05/09/08 On the Road
hours in passing
driving into the sunset
moon full and ripe low in the sky behind me
headed for my transient home
im trading in rolling rising heaps of earth kissing the sky
for two significant ladies and water
and sand
this man reminds me very much of my late papa:
http://www.cornelwest.com/
driving into the sunset
moon full and ripe low in the sky behind me
headed for my transient home
im trading in rolling rising heaps of earth kissing the sky
for two significant ladies and water
and sand
this man reminds me very much of my late papa:
http://www.cornelwest.com/
10/12/08 nomads
purging/moving is so clean. im not moving far enough, but its a new start with a friend.
its scary how fast i can delete people out of my life.
im stung but damn im efficient.
ill turn my hellfire into hotness and wear that around the city today.
its scary how fast i can delete people out of my life.
im stung but damn im efficient.
ill turn my hellfire into hotness and wear that around the city today.
The Big O
I want to be the big O. Complete. Whole. Solid.
I am a genuine person. I mean what I say and say what I mean.
I have come to the understanding that philosophy is my religion.
religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe
philosophy: the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.
I live to better myself so that I can live up to my own code of ethics. I need to learn to incorporate what I believe into my life, and how to balance with sacrifice of survival.
Action is a lot, but its understanding too.
There is so much I have discussed with my roommate.
I am so lucky to have him. We get along so well.
He brings things to my attention.. like how powerful I am.
:)
I am powerful.
I am a genuine person. I mean what I say and say what I mean.
I have come to the understanding that philosophy is my religion.
religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe
philosophy: the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.
I live to better myself so that I can live up to my own code of ethics. I need to learn to incorporate what I believe into my life, and how to balance with sacrifice of survival.
Action is a lot, but its understanding too.
There is so much I have discussed with my roommate.
I am so lucky to have him. We get along so well.
He brings things to my attention.. like how powerful I am.
:)
I am powerful.
01/03/09 It is in my spirit
It is in my spirit.
Every year I struggle I become more and more resourceful.
My roommate was talking about how we are economic slaves.
If I don't need that much money to survive because I become resourceful, how am I a slave?
I am happy. I am enjoying life even though it is a struggle.
I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish I would have excess energy so that I could live all of the lives I want to live.
Promote change in my communities while raising kids.
I hope and I wish I will have both in my lifetime.
I know I am strong. I know that many people have helped me get this far.
The ideas and philosophies I set my life by build my faith in myself.
It is all that keeps me going, sometimes.
Talking about planning Batman cartoon parties and moving to the city helps.
Thinking that I have life long friends helps. So does knowing that I will always have people who care about me.
Think about what drives you.
Because how you live your life, who you love and inspire and dream with.
That is your worth.
Every year I struggle I become more and more resourceful.
My roommate was talking about how we are economic slaves.
If I don't need that much money to survive because I become resourceful, how am I a slave?
I am happy. I am enjoying life even though it is a struggle.
I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish I would have excess energy so that I could live all of the lives I want to live.
Promote change in my communities while raising kids.
I hope and I wish I will have both in my lifetime.
I know I am strong. I know that many people have helped me get this far.
The ideas and philosophies I set my life by build my faith in myself.
It is all that keeps me going, sometimes.
Talking about planning Batman cartoon parties and moving to the city helps.
Thinking that I have life long friends helps. So does knowing that I will always have people who care about me.
Think about what drives you.
Because how you live your life, who you love and inspire and dream with.
That is your worth.
Fear
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"
While this quote is bullshit...
And while I understand that my own simple fears of not being able to feed myself/ becoming homeless again/ or not reaching my full potential are selfish and menial
(I am so small and very insignificant after all).
I do understand the world is going to shit. (Understatement)
I refuse to live in fear.
Does this mean I will get food I know has hormones in it, or veggies I know have been sprayed a million times, or stop recycling? Hell no, but if I want a pizza with sausage do I give a shit if it's organic? No.
Am I going to not procreate because the world might end soon? No.
Do I think I am a cruel selfish person? Hahaha! No.
With how picky I am towards partners and people I love, my house will be a happy one with much dancing, cooking and rocket ships.
(ps if you want to dance you should listen to my international mix and let it play.. I know it's strange. But good beats, friends. Good beats!)
DON'T LIVE IN FEAR -> YOUR LIFE WOULD SUCK
Take information process it.. and continue to live vibrantly.
Fuck yeah :)
<3
Monday, December 28, 2009
oh my heart
IM SO EXCITED TO LIVE WITH MY SISTERRRRR
WE ARE GUNNA HAVE THE BEST LITTLE APARTMENT EVER.
08/21/06
doors consistently opening and closing and reopening in my path.. sometimes i walk into them. sometimes i see them coming a mile away.
always trying to pull through on top
all the while my head my mind is spinning and more than half the time i have no idea whats going on
careful now.
not to break my fall
so its forever freefalling into possiblities
i refuse to live without passion risk or excitement.
at the same time picking up all the pieces can get tiring.
balance and coordination will get me through. believe me.
as long as i can feel the sun on my skin my mind will balance.
<3
08/28/06
driving home with tight lips and tears on constant threat of spilling onto my cheeks energy building up screaming lyrics harmonies until they become nothing distinguishable from the migrane pounding in my head turn it up so that my mind might explode trying not to think of pearls of blood and how sweet the salt is laughing to hysterics with my friends voice over the phone as i try and calm down exhaustion creepingaround the corners with suggestion of a crash
home collapse drugs blankets cat stevens sleep
home collapse drugs blankets cat stevens sleep
01/27/07
imagine the skin on your hands so taught they start to expand.. past you bones.. and it starts to shrivel and crack and you start getting tiny little cuts all over.. but all day your hands continue to be emerged in water.. only making your hands worse and worse.
the medicine you finally get because you cracked down to your mother, whom you were avoiding because of the shame of needing help.. you wanted to rough it out. do it on your own. but she says, go get the hydro cortizone. dont. be. silly.
tears of shame when you go to pick it up.
then you medicate your hands and get a smooth relief. your hands feel living again. nourished. replenished. slight bitter pain comes and subsides.
people have been offering me food at work because they know by seeing the rice and edimame i bring in that i dont have much else. i take it.. hungry for anything of substance. vegetables. fruit.
feeling desperate. but not alone.
i offer what i have.
noone wants my rice. my noodles. edimame. meatballs.
but they take my massages. my hugs. my love.
if my job doesnt work out im out, because these people are who i like in my life right now.
the medicine you finally get because you cracked down to your mother, whom you were avoiding because of the shame of needing help.. you wanted to rough it out. do it on your own. but she says, go get the hydro cortizone. dont. be. silly.
tears of shame when you go to pick it up.
then you medicate your hands and get a smooth relief. your hands feel living again. nourished. replenished. slight bitter pain comes and subsides.
people have been offering me food at work because they know by seeing the rice and edimame i bring in that i dont have much else. i take it.. hungry for anything of substance. vegetables. fruit.
feeling desperate. but not alone.
i offer what i have.
noone wants my rice. my noodles. edimame. meatballs.
but they take my massages. my hugs. my love.
if my job doesnt work out im out, because these people are who i like in my life right now.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Diversity and imaginary friends
Just a quick thought before it goes away.
A huge bother button for me is when people think that the way they are living life is the correct way to live life.
There is no right way to live life. Except to continually grow in one way or another.
That's it.
Grow.
Accept your individual needs and grow. Everything else is arbitrary. You die eventually. It's really no big deal. As long as you live to your fullest. And personally speaking, I have had a Very adventure, risk taking, fun, enhancing life so far. And I am not even half way done! If I play my cards (and god be willing) I'll get another 50, 6o years in.
Lemme tell you I'm so serious when I say I need this move. I want to hear myself think again. I want to be in an environment where I am able to function the way that works for me. It's been so long..
I was in my element in Easthampton. I want that back. Bad.Even if I had imaginary friends. And you bet I did. When I was listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, I would have an imaginary fun boyfriend with suspenders and a hat in the doorway to the bathroom making funny faces at me.When I had my art supplies spread out all over the living room, I had a comforting presence of an imaginary craft buddy. And when I was listening to The Reining Sound and oh so loudly singing to myself and dancing and jumping around the room, I had company.
At least I know real flesh and blood people like me too. Though I will never lose my imaginary friends.
And I don't think I've ever told anyone about this.. so welcome to Emily coming out about a part of her imagination.
Maybe they are there because I have always had trouble accepting myself. It helps me.
But a flesh and blood friend wants to go play in the snow, now.
I'm so there. :)
A huge bother button for me is when people think that the way they are living life is the correct way to live life.
There is no right way to live life. Except to continually grow in one way or another.
That's it.
Grow.
Accept your individual needs and grow. Everything else is arbitrary. You die eventually. It's really no big deal. As long as you live to your fullest. And personally speaking, I have had a Very adventure, risk taking, fun, enhancing life so far. And I am not even half way done! If I play my cards (and god be willing) I'll get another 50, 6o years in.
Lemme tell you I'm so serious when I say I need this move. I want to hear myself think again. I want to be in an environment where I am able to function the way that works for me. It's been so long..
I was in my element in Easthampton. I want that back. Bad.Even if I had imaginary friends. And you bet I did. When I was listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, I would have an imaginary fun boyfriend with suspenders and a hat in the doorway to the bathroom making funny faces at me.When I had my art supplies spread out all over the living room, I had a comforting presence of an imaginary craft buddy. And when I was listening to The Reining Sound and oh so loudly singing to myself and dancing and jumping around the room, I had company.
At least I know real flesh and blood people like me too. Though I will never lose my imaginary friends.
And I don't think I've ever told anyone about this.. so welcome to Emily coming out about a part of her imagination.
Maybe they are there because I have always had trouble accepting myself. It helps me.
But a flesh and blood friend wants to go play in the snow, now.
I'm so there. :)
ma familia 10/12/09
I was talking to a friend about nostalgia. Where he is nostalgic for college, I have always been nostalgic for my childhood. I miss waking up to my mommy cuddling me to wake me up. Or the smells of my daddy's pancakes and bacon on those special Sunday mornings. I have so many lovely memories of my family growing up.. I suppose that's why I want one of my own.
Time is so fleeting.
I love my life..and obviously I'm not ready yet. I can't even handle the cat coming back for ten times petting every morning.. but that's why I want a family. Probably. I miss the intimacy. The wonderful unfiltered love. You can't touch it.. Not even close.
Morning babblings are the best.Time for this burned out lady to get ready for work.
Time is so fleeting.
I love my life..and obviously I'm not ready yet. I can't even handle the cat coming back for ten times petting every morning.. but that's why I want a family. Probably. I miss the intimacy. The wonderful unfiltered love. You can't touch it.. Not even close.
Morning babblings are the best.Time for this burned out lady to get ready for work.
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