i have very little patience for passive aggressive people. i do not want to know you if you are.
i have very little patience for people full of negativity. you are poisen. stay away from me.
it's pretty simple.
and for all those people who i do have. i love you and i am eternally grateful for our relationships.
my life is becoming more wonderful every day.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
vitality vs mortality
i had been watching a few of those heart warming films for gay/bi/transgendered kids out there.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo
I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.
I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.
I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.
After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.
The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.
What is the worth of this life?
I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.
So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...
I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.
Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.
Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.
Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.
Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.
Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.
You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo
I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.
I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.
I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.
After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.
The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.
What is the worth of this life?
I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.
So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...
I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.
Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.
Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.
Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.
Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.
Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.
You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
mirfday
Am I disappointed with myself? I am not where I thought I would be at 25. I guess I fight with that. But I think disappointed isn't the word. Who I am and what I have grown into is too tangible not to count as valid. I'll write more later. Going to the beach to look at sand castles. :P
Thursday, April 15, 2010
where i am on 4/15/10
So. I was day dreaming visiting Shirley. My old street. Wesley's house. Meeting up with her mom for a cup of tea.
What have I done with myself?
Going to my old house. Saying to the people who live there now, "Hi. I used to live here. Your pool is where we buried my great grandmother." They would probably say something like, "Shit. I'm sorry." And I would probably say something like, "It's no biggie. Life keeps changing and moving.. I don't see why we expect everything to freeze around our corpses when we are dead."
Then it dawned on me, once again.
I am really exciting. My life has been really exciting. Not in the minute to minute aspect, I mean. Tonight was spent rapping (quite horribly) and dancing with my bf on my bed, to A Tribe Called Quest and The Beastie Boys. Then more Buffy.
Then I was thinking about my dead end job for the past year. Which is really only dead end because I don't enjoy it. And I did consider about making it a career for half a second. I thought about making hair a career. For longer. I enjoyed it.. but not enough. I was a smoker when I did hair. The first month and a half I cried every night after work from doing hair. Because it was intense stress. The smoking helped. I considered hair because it made sense on a logical viewpoint.
But my heart. My health. Not so sensible when you throw those in.
Now massage.
I will heal and center and be centered. And my life will revolve around health.
Not how someone looks.
Because I find that hardly matters.
I mean.. it's nice. But isn't it SO much more important the way someone carries themselves? Or if a person is considerate? Or has a contagious laugh?
To me it is.
That is what I want to spend my life doing.
Helping people find their light.
And it wasn't a dead end job. It got me back on my feet. (With tons of help from my family) I am not (and have never been) in debt. I may not know exactly what's going on, but.. another epiphany.
As I grow older I am appreciating how hard it is to be resourceful. So this isn't working for you, what are you going to do? What skills do I have that I can play upon? Think outside the box and reach outside the norm. It should be MANDATORY for kids to get these skills in school.. and yet. :/
So? I will sell sex toys at sex toy parties until I find a job, (and work the Census, kitchen hair cuts, sing at bars). Or if it is successful, I will continue that, volunteer with all of my free time and go to massage school. Why the eff not.
Life is good. My mother is a genius. I will live on.
What have I done with myself?
Going to my old house. Saying to the people who live there now, "Hi. I used to live here. Your pool is where we buried my great grandmother." They would probably say something like, "Shit. I'm sorry." And I would probably say something like, "It's no biggie. Life keeps changing and moving.. I don't see why we expect everything to freeze around our corpses when we are dead."
Then it dawned on me, once again.
I am really exciting. My life has been really exciting. Not in the minute to minute aspect, I mean. Tonight was spent rapping (quite horribly) and dancing with my bf on my bed, to A Tribe Called Quest and The Beastie Boys. Then more Buffy.
Then I was thinking about my dead end job for the past year. Which is really only dead end because I don't enjoy it. And I did consider about making it a career for half a second. I thought about making hair a career. For longer. I enjoyed it.. but not enough. I was a smoker when I did hair. The first month and a half I cried every night after work from doing hair. Because it was intense stress. The smoking helped. I considered hair because it made sense on a logical viewpoint.
But my heart. My health. Not so sensible when you throw those in.
Now massage.
I will heal and center and be centered. And my life will revolve around health.
Not how someone looks.
Because I find that hardly matters.
I mean.. it's nice. But isn't it SO much more important the way someone carries themselves? Or if a person is considerate? Or has a contagious laugh?
To me it is.
That is what I want to spend my life doing.
Helping people find their light.
And it wasn't a dead end job. It got me back on my feet. (With tons of help from my family) I am not (and have never been) in debt. I may not know exactly what's going on, but.. another epiphany.
As I grow older I am appreciating how hard it is to be resourceful. So this isn't working for you, what are you going to do? What skills do I have that I can play upon? Think outside the box and reach outside the norm. It should be MANDATORY for kids to get these skills in school.. and yet. :/
So? I will sell sex toys at sex toy parties until I find a job, (and work the Census, kitchen hair cuts, sing at bars). Or if it is successful, I will continue that, volunteer with all of my free time and go to massage school. Why the eff not.
Life is good. My mother is a genius. I will live on.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
How to Get unstuck.
Inspiration to make my own space, my own. Space where I can be by myself without sitting in front of the computer. I miss myself. I always get back to this place where I miss myself. There don't seem to be enough minutes in a day. The feeling of being sedated. Beginnings of hating myself. Which is a silly thing to do. Always looking for escapism.. from myself. Another silly thing to do. But I don't hate myself. I miss myself. Which isn't new. I used to look for myself in books of other worlds.. and I would feel at home for whole hours. Reality doesn't always seem to click with me. The disillusions of an artist. Not a very good one. Or a very public one. Cold rainy days make me stay in bed. White walls drive me nuts.
Pretty human, I think. Jazz and cats make me feel safe. I need to put my massage table away. It's taking up my space. I need to throw up white paper and draw on my walls and not give a fuck. Redecorate my house.
Get everything in order.
It all starts with home.
Maybe buy a sheet that fits this goddamn mattress while I'm at it.
Pretty human, I think. Jazz and cats make me feel safe. I need to put my massage table away. It's taking up my space. I need to throw up white paper and draw on my walls and not give a fuck. Redecorate my house.
Get everything in order.
It all starts with home.
Maybe buy a sheet that fits this goddamn mattress while I'm at it.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Courage
With all of my set backs it takes a lot of courage for me to go request for employment.
It takes courage to feel as if I have a right to live on the same plane as others.
Self esteem is vital.
Then I think of all those others who have many more set backs than I do.
And all of a sudden there is a warmth rushing into my heart.
For all the courageous people in the world fill my heart with pride for my human race.
The things we do to support and sustain ourselves and our loved ones.
And we don't give up.
This is courage.
It takes courage to feel as if I have a right to live on the same plane as others.
Self esteem is vital.
Then I think of all those others who have many more set backs than I do.
And all of a sudden there is a warmth rushing into my heart.
For all the courageous people in the world fill my heart with pride for my human race.
The things we do to support and sustain ourselves and our loved ones.
And we don't give up.
This is courage.
Fair
The concept of empathy is lost on most people, I think. Watching politics, even as little as I have. People have no concept of disabilities. People have no concept of social responsibility. And I don't think even if people experienced it first hand that things would change. Then they would be all about their own cause. Poor me Poor me Poor me.
I don't believe in excuses. Having a disability is not an excuse. Claiming it's America and you have to earn what everyone else is despite all the hardships you have... because you don't want to "give handouts" to your neighbor, you heartless coward, is a huge excuse to get out of the social responsibility you have to your fellow human beings.
People deserve health care. People deserve nutritious meals. People deserve to work jobs that don't kill them. Quality of life. Period. That's fair.
http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/multimedia/video/video.html?video=951077
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pilG7PCV448&feature=player_embedded
I don't believe in excuses. Having a disability is not an excuse. Claiming it's America and you have to earn what everyone else is despite all the hardships you have... because you don't want to "give handouts" to your neighbor, you heartless coward, is a huge excuse to get out of the social responsibility you have to your fellow human beings.
People deserve health care. People deserve nutritious meals. People deserve to work jobs that don't kill them. Quality of life. Period. That's fair.
http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/multimedia/video/video.html?video=951077
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pilG7PCV448&feature=player_embedded
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