Gray Glamour

The grayish blue sky makes everything glow 

In only the way the cool light can

Instead of the red, orange, green

The white, yellow, and beige reign 

All of these plants are quiet

Radiate softly 

Graceful 

Always present 

Breathing 

Being Home to many 

Largely ignored 

They are in our way.. not bending to our will 

Their voices are unheard 

We do not sit still 

Too fast for me 

Soaking up beauty 

Peace and comfort 

I observe it's resilience

Appearing in scratches in pavement 

The thick naked brush 

Untangled 

Crossed over each branch with purpose 

Intention 

But stiff Inflexible and unyielding 

Unlike twisting vines 

Wrapping around and around

Easy to bend, flex, transition

Clinging to everything that stands still long enough 

Leaves falling off 

Exposing the movement of the plants 

While the long grass sway in individually 

But in isolated groups 

Unlike waves 

Like disturbed bodies of water 

A rippling effect 

It has a continuous rhythmic calming effect all the same

 DuRussel 2024

Day 2 of My so-called 'juice' diet

16 oz of water with 1/4 lemon in it
8 oz of green tea with 3 tsp of honey in it

--passed time---

Juice:
Same as last night except 2 cups of kale and 1/2 inch ginger
less ginger zing and less sweet
Smoothie: 1/2 of last nights left overs

--passed time---

1 nuked potato (yukon gold=smallish) with a bit of cheddar cheese melted on top
10 almonds
Shot of milk and whey protein powder

--passed time----

Juice:
2 cups kale
1" by 1" ginger maybe a bit bigger
1 gala apple
Result: spicy and nice
16 oz of water with 1/4 lemon in it

Dinner:
Juice shared with David:

1 Lemon
1 Lime
2 Pears
2 Green Apples
2 Carrots
1 Piece Ginger (thumb sized)
2 cups Purple Cabbage

Yukon gold potato with a little cheese
8 ounces of water
4 ounces of water with cayenne maple syrup lemonade cleanse in it.
The other 1/2 of last night's smoothie

Juicing/smoothie diet.. sort of. Day 1.

Due to watching my bestie's doggie for half the day, juicing did not commence until dins, but I figured I would write everything down anyhow.
AM: jumping jacks to wake me up 15
10 oz green tea and honey
1/2 cup of cereal
time passes- snacks
1/4 Green Goddess
2 Whole Foods pop tarts
1/2 a bag of veggie chips
an apple
an hour hike with dog
a burrito with beans and cheese
in this time, David and I shared a liter (aprox. 34 oz.) of water
home groceries
Dinner
Shared Juice:
1 cup Kale
3 small apples
2 carrots
1" ginger
result: delish, not full.
The other half of the Green Goddess we split earlier, we both consume.
result: half full
Shared Smoothie:
2% milk
a banana
(frozen) pineapple, mango, strawberries and blueberries
vanilla whey powder
result: tastes like ice cream, don't want too much
A few almonds. Awesome.

Time passes positive (Healing heart chakra one._)

Release- Let go
Weep- For it is yourself that is deserving
Weep- For it is yourself who is strong
Feel the vibrancy of Life around you
And WEEP For it is you who is a part of it
You hold so much joy
Let that come
Let that joy come out of your toes
and fingers
and head
and heart
Seep out of your lips
Ears
Eyes
Fingertips
You are Alive
You have passion
Compassion
Visions
Thoughts
and Ideas
But right now
Right now you Are.
Breathe.
You are the heart beat.
You are forgiveness.
You forgive others who may have wronged you.
You forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself.
You are safe.
You are warm.
You are loved.
Think of those you love.
Say a prayer for one that you love.
Hold that prayer.
Say a prayer for yourself.
Hold that prayer.

Time passes negative

Sounds of Echos
Dull my eyes
Trust not your senses
Or feel your own demise
Fall gracefully
Live cold
Blend




I stripped my soul bear
Leaving myself vulnerable
Terrified
Just kept coming
Like a torrent falls
Leaving bones
Branches
It's wake brings ruin
Tired
Rung
The fear
The shame
Deep roots
So apparent
So transparent
So pathetic
Wishing I were gone again
Alone in my mind
Lost in fiction
Stable in the world
With space between
Myself and Them

yes

i have very little patience for passive aggressive people. i do not want to know you if you are.
i have very little patience for people full of negativity. you are poisen. stay away from me.

it's pretty simple.

and for all those people who i do have. i love you and i am eternally grateful for our relationships.

my life is becoming more wonderful every day.

vitality vs mortality

i had been watching a few of those heart warming films for gay/bi/transgendered kids out there.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo

I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.

I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.

I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.

After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.

The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.

What is the worth of this life?

I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.

So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...

I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.

Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.

Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.

Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.

Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.

Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.

You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.

mirfday

Am I disappointed with myself? I am not where I thought I would be at 25. I guess I fight with that. But I think disappointed isn't the word. Who I am and what I have grown into is too tangible not to count as valid. I'll write more later. Going to the beach to look at sand castles. :P

where i am on 4/15/10

So. I was day dreaming visiting Shirley. My old street. Wesley's house. Meeting up with her mom for a cup of tea.
What have I done with myself?
Going to my old house. Saying to the people who live there now, "Hi. I used to live here. Your pool is where we buried my great grandmother." They would probably say something like, "Shit. I'm sorry." And I would probably say something like, "It's no biggie. Life keeps changing and moving.. I don't see why we expect everything to freeze around our corpses when we are dead."
Then it dawned on me, once again.
I am really exciting. My life has been really exciting. Not in the minute to minute aspect, I mean. Tonight was spent rapping (quite horribly) and dancing with my bf on my bed, to A Tribe Called Quest and The Beastie Boys. Then more Buffy.
Then I was thinking about my dead end job for the past year. Which is really only dead end because I don't enjoy it. And I did consider about making it a career for half a second. I thought about making hair a career. For longer. I enjoyed it.. but not enough. I was a smoker when I did hair. The first month and a half I cried every night after work from doing hair. Because it was intense stress. The smoking helped. I considered hair because it made sense on a logical viewpoint.
But my heart. My health. Not so sensible when you throw those in.
Now massage.
I will heal and center and be centered. And my life will revolve around health.
Not how someone looks.
Because I find that hardly matters.
I mean.. it's nice. But isn't it SO much more important the way someone carries themselves? Or if a person is considerate? Or has a contagious laugh?
To me it is.
That is what I want to spend my life doing.
Helping people find their light.

And it wasn't a dead end job. It got me back on my feet. (With tons of help from my family) I am not (and have never been) in debt. I may not know exactly what's going on, but.. another epiphany.

As I grow older I am appreciating how hard it is to be resourceful. So this isn't working for you, what are you going to do? What skills do I have that I can play upon? Think outside the box and reach outside the norm. It should be MANDATORY for kids to get these skills in school.. and yet. :/
So? I will sell sex toys at sex toy parties until I find a job, (and work the Census, kitchen hair cuts, sing at bars). Or if it is successful, I will continue that, volunteer with all of my free time and go to massage school. Why the eff not.

Life is good. My mother is a genius. I will live on.

How to Get unstuck.

Inspiration to make my own space, my own. Space where I can be by myself without sitting in front of the computer. I miss myself. I always get back to this place where I miss myself. There don't seem to be enough minutes in a day. The feeling of being sedated. Beginnings of hating myself. Which is a silly thing to do. Always looking for escapism.. from myself. Another silly thing to do. But I don't hate myself. I miss myself. Which isn't new. I used to look for myself in books of other worlds.. and I would feel at home for whole hours. Reality doesn't always seem to click with me. The disillusions of an artist. Not a very good one. Or a very public one. Cold rainy days make me stay in bed. White walls drive me nuts.
Pretty human, I think. Jazz and cats make me feel safe. I need to put my massage table away. It's taking up my space. I need to throw up white paper and draw on my walls and not give a fuck. Redecorate my house.
Get everything in order.
It all starts with home.
Maybe buy a sheet that fits this goddamn mattress while I'm at it.

Courage

With all of my set backs it takes a lot of courage for me to go request for employment.
It takes courage to feel as if I have a right to live on the same plane as others.
Self esteem is vital.
Then I think of all those others who have many more set backs than I do.
And all of a sudden there is a warmth rushing into my heart.
For all the courageous people in the world fill my heart with pride for my human race.
The things we do to support and sustain ourselves and our loved ones.
And we don't give up.
This is courage.

Fair

The concept of empathy is lost on most people, I think. Watching politics, even as little as I have. People have no concept of disabilities. People have no concept of social responsibility. And I don't think even if people experienced it first hand that things would change. Then they would be all about their own cause. Poor me Poor me Poor me.
I don't believe in excuses. Having a disability is not an excuse. Claiming it's America and you have to earn what everyone else is despite all the hardships you have... because you don't want to "give handouts" to your neighbor, you heartless coward, is a huge excuse to get out of the social responsibility you have to your fellow human beings.
People deserve health care. People deserve nutritious meals. People deserve to work jobs that don't kill them. Quality of life. Period. That's fair.

http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/multimedia/video/video.html?video=951077

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pilG7PCV448&feature=player_embedded

Holistic Healing notes 1

pg 4
According to the American Holistic Medical Association (AHMA), holistic medicine is defined as the art and science of healing that addresses the whole person- body, mind and spirit- by integrating conventional and alternative therapies to prevent and treat disease, and to promote optimal health. AHMA members recognize that both conventional and alternative therapies have their place and combine both in order to offer their patients a full range of treatment options tailored to each patient's
specific needs. At the same time, holistic physicians emphasize personal responsibility and educate their patients about how to take care of themselves at all levels of their being.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SO HOW DO WE FEED OURSELVES
----------------------------------------------------------
pg 14-15
Multilevel approach to wellness, body mind and soul.

HEALTH:
1! Physical. EXERCISE
2! Environmental. Nutrition. Respect. Being Grounded.
3! Mental. Goals. Optimism. Humor.
4! Emotional. Self-acceptance. Self-esteem. EXPRESSING WHAT YOU FEEL.
5! Spiritual. Having sense of purpose. Trusting you intuition.
Being able to welcome change.
6! Social. Enjoying intimacy. Being able to Forgive. Selflessness. Altruism.
Deep, committed relationships.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a philosophy. To live in a healthy space, we need to love ourselves and each other and allow ourselves to be the human beings we are. I believe this with every ounce I have. When we accept and love ourselves nothing will come but nurturing healing and an adoration for those around us. Because we all are human and share so much with each other after all.

goals 3/15/10

I feel my vitality, my power and the ebbing vibration connecting me to the universe. It is mine and I am rediscovering myself. So Alive.
When I lose track of this I feel as if I cannot breathe.
Few understand what I mean. See life as I do. I am enjoying my time in my mortal shell. My body is beautiful and will decay. My spirit is in tune with my frontal lobe. I will flourish. I will challenge. I will be fire until I die.
The things I hold important I will cherish until that day. Kindness. Love. Loyalty. Passion. Companionship. There are some words that hold so much meaning for me.
Though words mean different things to different people.
The words that could make my heart soar... may make others cringe.
All of our experiences are different.
It is my challenge to let others feel as they do about me and my beliefs.
It is very hard.
I am very proud.
But I know I am very healthy. I have a lot of love in my heart.
My second challenge:
I understand that creativity flows from my pores.
I am still figuring out how to use my gifts.
Incorporate my ethics with my gifts and maybe bring light into others lives.
And lastly.
I need to be able to balance my life.
Money will come and go. How do I continue to live without obsessing over it?
I need to let go of my materialism.
Eat to satiate hunger.
Focus on my ideas.

consuming consumerism

why can't we create instead?
we would be a lot less bored with ourselves.
shopping. drugs. drinking. sex.

i miss the warm. so i could just bike at midnight. or lay in some grass.

the winter is driving me nuts.
i just think about lying on the sidewalk at Antioch. watching shooting stars to keep myself sane. measuring my breathing.

breathing.
clarity.

we find ourselves in this, (and many other cultures)having to be constantly entertained. i remember when one of my mantras was, "if you are bored.. you just need to slow down." there is so much going on in your senses. pay attention to your body. i feel as if ive lost the connection to my sensual self. im too busy to just be. or rather.. its been replaced with movies.

biking is my connection with myself now.

David

The most common complaint I have had about boyfriends past is that they don't see me for who I am. They see me for what they want me to be. Then when they find out who I am, they are disappointed.

I don't feel this at all with David. I feel safe, solid and understood on a level that I don't know if I've ever seen before in a relationship.

He is fun, smart, handsome and easy for me to be around.
This new relationship is a beautiful thing.

My new man is untouchable.

I feel incredibly lucky.
I am incredibly happy.

Lecture websites make me hot

http://www.businessinnovationfactory.com/iss/video/bif5-jonah-lehrer

I am always Starving for new ideas
From new people
New concepts
Build on the fact
Building is breathing

melonart

http://www.mellonfineart.com/

and why i love him.

http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/the-pheonix-m-mellon.jpg

hiten

http://www.anime.gs/artbook/Yoshitaka%20Amano%20Hiten/

<3

side effects

Thought about my accident this morning.
Thought about my grades and how they dropped after my accident.
Wondered about who I might be and what more I could have accomplished if it hadnt been for my accident.

I'm a little depressed.