i hear you
oh ocean waves
whispering my own impending doom
like rolling poetry
you ever wait for me
underneath my subconscious
i feel the fatal pull
under under under
i'll find peace and truth
under under under
you'll have your banquet feast
and i
i will bow to uncertainty
to find it fixed
to my mortality
that end will draw me near!
you give me no warning
i'll ne'er shed a tear
and peaceful drown
with water clear
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
03/16/07 Tangents of Thoughts While Shaving
there is something so soothing in feeling the razor move against my skin
cleansing away all the burdens angst disappointments of the day leaving me in a sense of yen i seek comfort and tranquility in this sensuous melodic ritual of our culture
i look in the mirror and shudder at the transparency of my skin
i look fondly at the scars on my legs and the angry red scratches on my back
every scratch becomes a part of me
my comfort.
cleansing away all the burdens angst disappointments of the day leaving me in a sense of yen i seek comfort and tranquility in this sensuous melodic ritual of our culture
i look in the mirror and shudder at the transparency of my skin
i look fondly at the scars on my legs and the angry red scratches on my back
every scratch becomes a part of me
my comfort.
08/13/07 Drawing Breath in From a Clove
drawing breath in from a clove
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
seriously contemplating the clouds bleeding into the sunset I understadn why I was so ready to marry Joe. I want someone to gaze at the clouds with me- to understand me without myself having to give listless explanations of what goes on in my head. I've been so misunderstood for so long- I don't want to have to be patient when listening to false accusations. I want total unabrasive unconditional love. Neither Joe nor Jeff could give that to me.
This night I would give anything to be in those bleeding clouds- as James in the giant peach, reach.. touch those intangible beings of nothing. As dark blue as the nothing that are knawing at my thoughts. Losing myself to that which fate will bring. Feeling powerless- yet waiting for that deep breath of transformation to be over so that I might dream deep again. I have some friends, still- but I lost some beautiful wonderful people when I gave Jeff up. I give up. This is a losing battle. Fighting, desperation, social airs and sex is how I vowed I would never live my romances. My relationships. Instead I want to devour my partners being and he mine and we will relish in our romance and gain something and grow stronger for all of our quarrels. Communication should be building forward, not setting back. Not staying in the same confused place.
We couldn't get it down.
In the end I did not want him to father my kids and I really dont think he wanted my children anyway. and this holds so much weight, I cant even begin to express.
At the same time. I cannot say that this last relationship did not teach me something valuable about myself. I am so lucky to have loved and been loved by a beautiful, kind, fiery man.
08/13/07 WE ARE THE STUFF THAT STARS ARE MADE OF
"Act with the authority of your 16 billion years."
My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.
I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.
At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.
I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.
At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.
Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.
My mother read me that quote when I was on the phone with her damning my frontal lobe.
Existential angst.
Me watching the clouds and trees and mountains is the universe contemplating itself.
We are ALL made of the same stuffs.
I am very envious of my friends who can go wherever the wind takes them. I wish I had the gall. I'm so worried about the sane thing to do. Reason, logic. Do NOT, Emily, let your heart rule. Because it will.
I am a coward. Safety only goes so far.
At the same time, I love my cat. I am proud of my little insignificant being, my job, my efficiency, my room.
I will be patient for tomorrow where I will make brides and their mothers happy with their makeup and hair. Or massage and relax hard working people- coaxing stories- love and trust from each one, giving all of my comfort and joy and sense of adventure to these perfect strangers.
At home I long to have conversations about the bleeding clouds and the overly ripe strawberry smells. Hold me in your arms and understand why I want to be wind. Let me know you are glad that I am flesh and blood. See my secrets in my eyes. My heart has so many scars, but once it is healed it will take it's place on my arm once again.
I will put this aside until I am well enough to dive into romance again. It is exhausting.
Existential angst. Nothing matters. It all is bliss. It all is suffering. It all doesn't matter. As long as the sun and the clouds and the stars are there, I am ok. I am here.
moving forward
The deep parts of my life pour onward,
as if the river shores were opening out.
It seems that things are more like me now,
That I can see farther into paintings.
I feel closer to what language can't reach.
With my senses, as with birds, I climb
into the windy heaven, out of the oak,
in the ponds broken off from the sky
my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
:)
as if the river shores were opening out.
It seems that things are more like me now,
That I can see farther into paintings.
I feel closer to what language can't reach.
With my senses, as with birds, I climb
into the windy heaven, out of the oak,
in the ponds broken off from the sky
my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
:)
05/09/08 On the Road
hours in passing
driving into the sunset
moon full and ripe low in the sky behind me
headed for my transient home
im trading in rolling rising heaps of earth kissing the sky
for two significant ladies and water
and sand
this man reminds me very much of my late papa:
http://www.cornelwest.com/
driving into the sunset
moon full and ripe low in the sky behind me
headed for my transient home
im trading in rolling rising heaps of earth kissing the sky
for two significant ladies and water
and sand
this man reminds me very much of my late papa:
http://www.cornelwest.com/
10/12/08 nomads
purging/moving is so clean. im not moving far enough, but its a new start with a friend.
its scary how fast i can delete people out of my life.
im stung but damn im efficient.
ill turn my hellfire into hotness and wear that around the city today.
its scary how fast i can delete people out of my life.
im stung but damn im efficient.
ill turn my hellfire into hotness and wear that around the city today.
The Big O
I want to be the big O. Complete. Whole. Solid.
I am a genuine person. I mean what I say and say what I mean.
I have come to the understanding that philosophy is my religion.
religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe
philosophy: the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.
I live to better myself so that I can live up to my own code of ethics. I need to learn to incorporate what I believe into my life, and how to balance with sacrifice of survival.
Action is a lot, but its understanding too.
There is so much I have discussed with my roommate.
I am so lucky to have him. We get along so well.
He brings things to my attention.. like how powerful I am.
:)
I am powerful.
I am a genuine person. I mean what I say and say what I mean.
I have come to the understanding that philosophy is my religion.
religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe
philosophy: the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.
I live to better myself so that I can live up to my own code of ethics. I need to learn to incorporate what I believe into my life, and how to balance with sacrifice of survival.
Action is a lot, but its understanding too.
There is so much I have discussed with my roommate.
I am so lucky to have him. We get along so well.
He brings things to my attention.. like how powerful I am.
:)
I am powerful.
<3! HUCKABEES
infinity problems
Bernard Jaffe When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
Bernard Jaffe The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.
Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.
Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.
How am I not myself?
god i need to take a phiosophy class.
Bernard Jaffe When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
Bernard Jaffe The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.
Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.
Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.
How am I not myself?
god i need to take a phiosophy class.
music paper
music -conclusion
this paper is made to make you ask questions.
It is no new concept that music can heal us. Though
when we as massage therapists choose the music for our sessions- do we
fully understand or recognize the impact of our music on our
clientele? We are not versed in music therapy. Would we benefit from
that knowledge? Music will heal whether or not we understand it's
impact; however knowledge is power and will make our intent more
potent. Choosing the correct music for your intention of the session
will enhance your client's experience a great deal. So where do we
start understanding how music heals? What is the purpose of music?
There are two contradicting concepts I have come across in my
studies. Being raised by musicians, the first concept rings true to my
upbringing:
"From the first artistic records drawn across cave walls in a panorama
of line and color, little musical significance is recognizable, with
the exception of the innate desire to communicate." (pg1 music and the culture of man sharon scholl, sylvia white)
However the second concept makes as much sense:
"The principle aim of all art styles based upon the contents and
manipulations of the mind is to free the imagination from the demands
of premeditated or reflective logic." (pg274
Can
both of these concepts be true? The first, says that the aim of music
is communication and the second says escapism. Listening to Yo-Yo Ma's
Cello Suites, what is being communicated with these cello
instrumentals? Or more importantly, what is it being communicated to?
Conversely, what are we escaping from when we listen to music? The
quote says"demands of premeditated or reflective logic,"; the first
thought I have is of the super ego. Though some would debate saying
that music theory indeed stimulates the super ego, your average person
responds to music whether or not versed in music theory. What we
respond to the most is the rhythm and patterns. It communicates with
our base, our id, but also interferes with our frontal lobe. We forget
about our money issues, our relationship problems, and our
disabilities. We are able to refocus, overcome obstacles and reach
goals that get in the way when we let our super ego do too much of the
thinking. There are different levels of consciousness to take care
of. Not to mention with holistic healing it
"The embedding of words, skills, or sequences in melody and meter is uniquely human" (239)
"Aniruddh
Patel at Neuroscience Institute has recently pointed out that 'In every
culture there is some form of music with a regular beat, a periodic
pulse that affords temporal coordination between performers and elicits
synchronized motor response from listeners." (239-240)
Furthermore he has found, "There is not a single report of an animal
being trained to tap, peck, or move in synchrony with an auditory beat."
Humans
do not need training. Reaction to music is innate. However, "Research
has now shown that so called responses to rythm actually precede the
external beat." (240) Which means, our minds and bodies pick up and
anticipate beat and tempo. Our memories soak in music, which explains
why music stays with humans after dementia defeats all of our other
functions and abilities to communicate.
"Does the loss of one's self-awareness or some aspects of mind,
constitute loss of self?" (336) This question hit me hard. I think
the most difficult thing to bear is not being able to communicate. It
is so key to try and use music for communication purposes in extreme
situations, because if someone cannot directly communicate with another
being, at least they can touch another's soul/ prescense; or be
touched, or share.. which lessens the lonelyness of not being able to
directly communicate.
Samuel S. a patient of Oliver's, had a stroke in his late
sixties and was thereafter completely speechless. He was involved with
intensive speech therapy for two years with no improvment, when the
music therapist, Connie Tomaino, found him singing "Ol' Man River" very
tunefully with great feeling articulating two or three words of the
song, outside of her office. She worked with him and soon he was
singing all of the words to "Ol' Man River" and was working on other
ballads and songs he grew up with from the 1940s. Then he showed
beginnings of speech. "Musical perception, musical sensibility,
musical emotion and musical memory can survive long after other forms
of memory have disappeared." (337)
"Evidence in case studies: Cowles et al.,2003, Cuddy and Duffin,
2005, Foranazzari, Castle, et al.,2006, and Crystal, Grober, and Masur,
1989"(337)
"Music of the right kind can serve to orient and anchor a patient when almost nothing else can." (337)
A few years ago my grandmother was very near death with an extreme case
of alzheimers. She stopped responding to much of anything. The last
time I saw her, I brought my guitar and sang to her. My relatives told
me about how she was "captured" by my music, and how she smiled. I'm
glad I got to do that for her before she died.
A disease where the patients are very attached to music is Williams
Disease. The patients have elfin features and IQs less than 60. They
are extremely sociable and friendly and love to tell stories and
absolutley love music. The defects are in the heart and great vessels,
which causes retardation. Though there is retardation, they are very
articulate. There is this longing to connect and bond with others,
they will study your face and pick up on people's moods. They are
indifferent to nonhumans and dont care about judging obstacles or
steps, or get how things should be arranged, which makes them in some
ways the oppisite of autism patients.
"Music calls to both parts of our nature- it is essentially emotional, as it is essentially intellectual." pg 285
Listening to music is not just auditory and emotional, it is motoric as
well: 'We listen to music with our muscles,' as Nietzsche wrote. pg xi
"What
is more remarkable is their finding that listening to music or
imagining it, even without any overt movement or keeping time,
activates motor cortex and subcortical motor systems, too"
Evidence: Malonnie Kinnison, competitive cyclist-
"Orpheus
In The Underworld' by Offenbach started playing in my head. This was
wonderful- it stimulated my performance, settled my cadence at just the
right tempo, and synchronized my physical efforts with my breathing.
Time collapsed. I was truly in the zone, and for the first time in my
life, I was sorry to see the finish line. My time was a personal
best." (241)
Further musical muscle control is shown in tourettes. John S wrote to Oliver Sacs:
"Music
is a huge part of my life. It can be both a blessing and a curse when
it comes to ticcing. It can send me into a state where I forget all
aboutTourettes, or it can bring on a surge of tics that is difficult to
control or bear."
Some people- a surprisingly large number- "see" color or "taste" or
"smell" or "feel" various sensations as they listen to music- though
such synesthesia may bee accounted a gift more than a symptom. pg xii
Dr P suffered from an early and primarily visual form of Alzheimers. His wife explained:
I
put all his usual clothes out, in all the usual places, and he dresses
without difficulty, singing to himself. He does everything singing to
himself. But if he is interrupted and loses the thread, he comes to a
complete stop, doesnt know his clothes- or his own body. He sings all
the time- eating songs, everything. He can't do anything unless he
makes it a song." (237)
this paper is made to make you ask questions.
It is no new concept that music can heal us. Though
when we as massage therapists choose the music for our sessions- do we
fully understand or recognize the impact of our music on our
clientele? We are not versed in music therapy. Would we benefit from
that knowledge? Music will heal whether or not we understand it's
impact; however knowledge is power and will make our intent more
potent. Choosing the correct music for your intention of the session
will enhance your client's experience a great deal. So where do we
start understanding how music heals? What is the purpose of music?
There are two contradicting concepts I have come across in my
studies. Being raised by musicians, the first concept rings true to my
upbringing:
"From the first artistic records drawn across cave walls in a panorama
of line and color, little musical significance is recognizable, with
the exception of the innate desire to communicate." (pg1 music and the culture of man sharon scholl, sylvia white)
However the second concept makes as much sense:
"The principle aim of all art styles based upon the contents and
manipulations of the mind is to free the imagination from the demands
of premeditated or reflective logic." (pg274
Can
both of these concepts be true? The first, says that the aim of music
is communication and the second says escapism. Listening to Yo-Yo Ma's
Cello Suites, what is being communicated with these cello
instrumentals? Or more importantly, what is it being communicated to?
Conversely, what are we escaping from when we listen to music? The
quote says"demands of premeditated or reflective logic,"; the first
thought I have is of the super ego. Though some would debate saying
that music theory indeed stimulates the super ego, your average person
responds to music whether or not versed in music theory. What we
respond to the most is the rhythm and patterns. It communicates with
our base, our id, but also interferes with our frontal lobe. We forget
about our money issues, our relationship problems, and our
disabilities. We are able to refocus, overcome obstacles and reach
goals that get in the way when we let our super ego do too much of the
thinking. There are different levels of consciousness to take care
of. Not to mention with holistic healing it
"The embedding of words, skills, or sequences in melody and meter is uniquely human" (239)
"Aniruddh
Patel at Neuroscience Institute has recently pointed out that 'In every
culture there is some form of music with a regular beat, a periodic
pulse that affords temporal coordination between performers and elicits
synchronized motor response from listeners." (239-240)
Furthermore he has found, "There is not a single report of an animal
being trained to tap, peck, or move in synchrony with an auditory beat."
Humans
do not need training. Reaction to music is innate. However, "Research
has now shown that so called responses to rythm actually precede the
external beat." (240) Which means, our minds and bodies pick up and
anticipate beat and tempo. Our memories soak in music, which explains
why music stays with humans after dementia defeats all of our other
functions and abilities to communicate.
"Does the loss of one's self-awareness or some aspects of mind,
constitute loss of self?" (336) This question hit me hard. I think
the most difficult thing to bear is not being able to communicate. It
is so key to try and use music for communication purposes in extreme
situations, because if someone cannot directly communicate with another
being, at least they can touch another's soul/ prescense; or be
touched, or share.. which lessens the lonelyness of not being able to
directly communicate.
Samuel S. a patient of Oliver's, had a stroke in his late
sixties and was thereafter completely speechless. He was involved with
intensive speech therapy for two years with no improvment, when the
music therapist, Connie Tomaino, found him singing "Ol' Man River" very
tunefully with great feeling articulating two or three words of the
song, outside of her office. She worked with him and soon he was
singing all of the words to "Ol' Man River" and was working on other
ballads and songs he grew up with from the 1940s. Then he showed
beginnings of speech. "Musical perception, musical sensibility,
musical emotion and musical memory can survive long after other forms
of memory have disappeared." (337)
"Evidence in case studies: Cowles et al.,2003, Cuddy and Duffin,
2005, Foranazzari, Castle, et al.,2006, and Crystal, Grober, and Masur,
1989"(337)
"Music of the right kind can serve to orient and anchor a patient when almost nothing else can." (337)
A few years ago my grandmother was very near death with an extreme case
of alzheimers. She stopped responding to much of anything. The last
time I saw her, I brought my guitar and sang to her. My relatives told
me about how she was "captured" by my music, and how she smiled. I'm
glad I got to do that for her before she died.
A disease where the patients are very attached to music is Williams
Disease. The patients have elfin features and IQs less than 60. They
are extremely sociable and friendly and love to tell stories and
absolutley love music. The defects are in the heart and great vessels,
which causes retardation. Though there is retardation, they are very
articulate. There is this longing to connect and bond with others,
they will study your face and pick up on people's moods. They are
indifferent to nonhumans and dont care about judging obstacles or
steps, or get how things should be arranged, which makes them in some
ways the oppisite of autism patients.
"Music calls to both parts of our nature- it is essentially emotional, as it is essentially intellectual." pg 285
Listening to music is not just auditory and emotional, it is motoric as
well: 'We listen to music with our muscles,' as Nietzsche wrote. pg xi
"What
is more remarkable is their finding that listening to music or
imagining it, even without any overt movement or keeping time,
activates motor cortex and subcortical motor systems, too"
Evidence: Malonnie Kinnison, competitive cyclist-
"Orpheus
In The Underworld' by Offenbach started playing in my head. This was
wonderful- it stimulated my performance, settled my cadence at just the
right tempo, and synchronized my physical efforts with my breathing.
Time collapsed. I was truly in the zone, and for the first time in my
life, I was sorry to see the finish line. My time was a personal
best." (241)
Further musical muscle control is shown in tourettes. John S wrote to Oliver Sacs:
"Music
is a huge part of my life. It can be both a blessing and a curse when
it comes to ticcing. It can send me into a state where I forget all
aboutTourettes, or it can bring on a surge of tics that is difficult to
control or bear."
Some people- a surprisingly large number- "see" color or "taste" or
"smell" or "feel" various sensations as they listen to music- though
such synesthesia may bee accounted a gift more than a symptom. pg xii
Dr P suffered from an early and primarily visual form of Alzheimers. His wife explained:
I
put all his usual clothes out, in all the usual places, and he dresses
without difficulty, singing to himself. He does everything singing to
himself. But if he is interrupted and loses the thread, he comes to a
complete stop, doesnt know his clothes- or his own body. He sings all
the time- eating songs, everything. He can't do anything unless he
makes it a song." (237)
01/03/09 It is in my spirit
It is in my spirit.
Every year I struggle I become more and more resourceful.
My roommate was talking about how we are economic slaves.
If I don't need that much money to survive because I become resourceful, how am I a slave?
I am happy. I am enjoying life even though it is a struggle.
I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish I would have excess energy so that I could live all of the lives I want to live.
Promote change in my communities while raising kids.
I hope and I wish I will have both in my lifetime.
I know I am strong. I know that many people have helped me get this far.
The ideas and philosophies I set my life by build my faith in myself.
It is all that keeps me going, sometimes.
Talking about planning Batman cartoon parties and moving to the city helps.
Thinking that I have life long friends helps. So does knowing that I will always have people who care about me.
Think about what drives you.
Because how you live your life, who you love and inspire and dream with.
That is your worth.
Every year I struggle I become more and more resourceful.
My roommate was talking about how we are economic slaves.
If I don't need that much money to survive because I become resourceful, how am I a slave?
I am happy. I am enjoying life even though it is a struggle.
I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish I would have excess energy so that I could live all of the lives I want to live.
Promote change in my communities while raising kids.
I hope and I wish I will have both in my lifetime.
I know I am strong. I know that many people have helped me get this far.
The ideas and philosophies I set my life by build my faith in myself.
It is all that keeps me going, sometimes.
Talking about planning Batman cartoon parties and moving to the city helps.
Thinking that I have life long friends helps. So does knowing that I will always have people who care about me.
Think about what drives you.
Because how you live your life, who you love and inspire and dream with.
That is your worth.
Holistic Healing in Native American Communal Philosophies
Holistic Healing in Native American Communal Philosophies; Relationships and Dependencies
Emily Germanotta
The biggest question that ran through my mind as I took this class: Why bother to heal yourself if you only focus on yourself? What a lonely existence! I decided to concentrate on Native American tribes, to see how their communal philosophies emphasized what I have learned about holistic healing. Though I remember it being touched on once or twice in class I think it is so essential to consistently remind ourselves of the original philosophies underpinning the modalities. These modalities have not originated in a vacuum. There is alive, vibrant energy in everything around you and inside you. "The One Spirit lives in, through, and as everything in the universe." (295, Medicine Eagle)To understand the concept of holistic healing, we must embrace the concept of the whole. The whole is not about you. It is not about me. It is about us.
Native American world view reflects holistic dependency, though more locally than globally. Lavonna Lovern talks about,
Gregory Cajete (2000) refers to this concept of wholeness in terms of a science of interdependence. The foundation of interdependence involves the individual as located within the world and as part of the world and as part of the world with the understanding that all things are interrelated. In this way, the individual does not experience an independence of being as the primary mode of existence. Instead, the primary mode of existence is communal involving 'all my relations'. (pg86) 'All my relations' includes all levels of interaction in existence including human, animal, plant, spiritual and elemental. Moreover, the individual experiences this primary mode as one of caring for the community. (1, Lovern)
Then Vine Deloria Jr. clarifies, "They talk about the immediate environment in which they live. They do not embrace all trees or love all rivers and mountains. What is important is the relationship you have with a particular tree or a particular mountain." (223, Deloria Jr. ) In Native American thought, a person is a product and contributer to their own environments. They are not more important than the mountains and animals, because of that circle of dependence. Though they understand their responsibilities toward their environment, the definition of environment to the Native American is different than that of the Western thinker. A person does not climb every mountain, swim in every river, and pass by every tree. Every being's energy we pass or live in, we connect with. That energy becomes part of who we are and the relationship grows stronger.
Another phrase for "all my relations" is "We are all relatives". Vine Deloria Jr. gives a clear definition, " 'We are all relatives' when taken as a methodological tool for obtaining knowledge means that we observe the natural world by looking for relationship between various things in it. That is to say, everything in the natural world has relationships with every other thing and the total set of relationships makes up the natural world as we experience it. This concept is simply the relativity concept as applied to a universe that people experience as alive and not as dead or inert." (34, Deloria Jr.) Does it not make sense that everything around us has an impact on us? In holistic healing we are taught that if a person is sick physically it will affect our spiritual and emotional states as well. It is not a jump to understand that if the animals, plants or people in your communities are sick it will have an effect on you.
"The energy we extend is immediately perceived, even though this may occur on levels that are less than conscious"? (304, Medicine Eagle) There is an exchange of energy. When I read this, I immediately thought about the example from class. When an animal is horrifically killed, the animal excretes hormones that make the meat taste less desirable and all of that fear based energy stays in the meat. That is what we are ingesting and taking in when we eat it. There is always exchange of energy. The Cherokee folk tale, Origin of Medicine, talks about how angry the animals were that men were killing them. The animals make up all types of illness to inflict men with and the friendly plants overhear and decide to help the people and furnish cures for each illness. (39, Penn)
Let us not forget our fellow humans. We need to connect with them as well. In Native American culture, "Tribal communities are wholly defined by the family relationships; the non-Indian communities are wholly defined primarily by residence, by an arbitrary establishment of political jurisdiction, or by agreement with generally applicable sets of intellectual beliefs." (pg 326) Though I do not know what this, (and most) cultures need to work on more than family life, "family is more broad of a term for the Native Americans. For, "Family in the Native American world is often synonymous with 'band' or even 'tribe', and one of the important aspects of maintaining the tribe is the relationship among its members, with Nature, and the world at large." (pg 75, W.S. Penn) Is it not easy with this ebbing energy that passes through all of us to relate to one another as family? By taking care of each other are we not taking care of ourselves?
"Too often we judge and separate ourselves from others rather than joining with them to work things out." (295, Medicine Eagle) Many, including myself, are guilty of disconnecting with people when perhaps the disconnection was not necessary. I have severed relationships over money, petty fights and miscommunications. There are examples of people joining together to solve a problem in the Seneca folk tale, The Origin of The Long House, the Mohawk chief was sad because he could not get the young warriors of his tribe to stop warring. The chief was open to learn from another chief, and then went imploring help from more chiefs to regain peace and strength in his tribe.(140, Penn) If we are not too proud, we can work together to lift ourselves and our communities up. In the Coeur d'Alene folk tale, Cosechin, Cosechin was a very mean man who was neglectful of his responsibilities to his relationships. The other tribe members pleaded with him to try and be kind, but he answered, "Heck with everybody." So together, the tribe banished him. He came back with a change of heart, being kind. It did not last long and when he went back to his old ways, he disappeared. (143, Penn) Here is an example of a group response to someone in their tribe putting out harmful negative energy. It is a lesson for youngsters to watch their attitudes so they do not bring themselves or their tribe down with useless attitudes of laziness and feelings of mean self centeredness.
Native Americans also have many ceremonies to strengthen bonds. Quoting
White Buffalo Woman, Brooke shares,
"In sharing the lighting and smoking of the Sacred Pipe, she tells us:
This, your individual human life, like the single flame that burns this
twig, is sufficient to light a great fire. As long as the love that burns
within you is turned toward self-centered pursuits, it will remain tiny
like this flame. Remaining tiny, it will bring you no joy. Eventually, in
the swirling winds of spirit, it will be extinguished. But when you are in harmony
with the Great Spirit, your flame of love is fanned by those same spirit winds. You
are in love with the very purpose of life! You light the fire of love in all you meet.
You know the purpose of your walk through this world, and you know why the
Great One gave you a life flame: not so that you could keep your tiny flame to
yourself, loving what you need only, but so that you could give it away, and
with the fire of your love, bring consciousness to Earth.'" (299, Medicine Eagle)
This sharing is a physical understanding of all we have touched on in this
paper. There is recognition of interdependence. There is an importance for us to come together to achieve
greatness, daring not only to care but to love expansively.
Going forth with any holistic healing, we must always carry the philosophy before the modalities. "The medicine we need will never lie in getting smaller or more exclusive; it lies in the direction of unity, expansion, inclusiveness, and caring. By reaching out through our arms and hands, we have the ability to bring the energy of our hearts to bear in a manner that restores wholeness." (300, Medicine Eagle) With the loss of intention, action is moot. Life is moot. I put the challenge before you to not only care, but start to love your communities. You may gain a lot of patience, friends and an understanding that you do not achieve with the hectic life we are accustomed to. Slow down, and understand the exchange of energy, the interdependency, then breathe deep because you have intention.
Emily Germanotta
The biggest question that ran through my mind as I took this class: Why bother to heal yourself if you only focus on yourself? What a lonely existence! I decided to concentrate on Native American tribes, to see how their communal philosophies emphasized what I have learned about holistic healing. Though I remember it being touched on once or twice in class I think it is so essential to consistently remind ourselves of the original philosophies underpinning the modalities. These modalities have not originated in a vacuum. There is alive, vibrant energy in everything around you and inside you. "The One Spirit lives in, through, and as everything in the universe." (295, Medicine Eagle)To understand the concept of holistic healing, we must embrace the concept of the whole. The whole is not about you. It is not about me. It is about us.
Native American world view reflects holistic dependency, though more locally than globally. Lavonna Lovern talks about,
Gregory Cajete (2000) refers to this concept of wholeness in terms of a science of interdependence. The foundation of interdependence involves the individual as located within the world and as part of the world and as part of the world with the understanding that all things are interrelated. In this way, the individual does not experience an independence of being as the primary mode of existence. Instead, the primary mode of existence is communal involving 'all my relations'. (pg86) 'All my relations' includes all levels of interaction in existence including human, animal, plant, spiritual and elemental. Moreover, the individual experiences this primary mode as one of caring for the community. (1, Lovern)
Then Vine Deloria Jr. clarifies, "They talk about the immediate environment in which they live. They do not embrace all trees or love all rivers and mountains. What is important is the relationship you have with a particular tree or a particular mountain." (223, Deloria Jr. ) In Native American thought, a person is a product and contributer to their own environments. They are not more important than the mountains and animals, because of that circle of dependence. Though they understand their responsibilities toward their environment, the definition of environment to the Native American is different than that of the Western thinker. A person does not climb every mountain, swim in every river, and pass by every tree. Every being's energy we pass or live in, we connect with. That energy becomes part of who we are and the relationship grows stronger.
Another phrase for "all my relations" is "We are all relatives". Vine Deloria Jr. gives a clear definition, " 'We are all relatives' when taken as a methodological tool for obtaining knowledge means that we observe the natural world by looking for relationship between various things in it. That is to say, everything in the natural world has relationships with every other thing and the total set of relationships makes up the natural world as we experience it. This concept is simply the relativity concept as applied to a universe that people experience as alive and not as dead or inert." (34, Deloria Jr.) Does it not make sense that everything around us has an impact on us? In holistic healing we are taught that if a person is sick physically it will affect our spiritual and emotional states as well. It is not a jump to understand that if the animals, plants or people in your communities are sick it will have an effect on you.
"The energy we extend is immediately perceived, even though this may occur on levels that are less than conscious"? (304, Medicine Eagle) There is an exchange of energy. When I read this, I immediately thought about the example from class. When an animal is horrifically killed, the animal excretes hormones that make the meat taste less desirable and all of that fear based energy stays in the meat. That is what we are ingesting and taking in when we eat it. There is always exchange of energy. The Cherokee folk tale, Origin of Medicine, talks about how angry the animals were that men were killing them. The animals make up all types of illness to inflict men with and the friendly plants overhear and decide to help the people and furnish cures for each illness. (39, Penn)
Let us not forget our fellow humans. We need to connect with them as well. In Native American culture, "Tribal communities are wholly defined by the family relationships; the non-Indian communities are wholly defined primarily by residence, by an arbitrary establishment of political jurisdiction, or by agreement with generally applicable sets of intellectual beliefs." (pg 326) Though I do not know what this, (and most) cultures need to work on more than family life, "family is more broad of a term for the Native Americans. For, "Family in the Native American world is often synonymous with 'band' or even 'tribe', and one of the important aspects of maintaining the tribe is the relationship among its members, with Nature, and the world at large." (pg 75, W.S. Penn) Is it not easy with this ebbing energy that passes through all of us to relate to one another as family? By taking care of each other are we not taking care of ourselves?
"Too often we judge and separate ourselves from others rather than joining with them to work things out." (295, Medicine Eagle) Many, including myself, are guilty of disconnecting with people when perhaps the disconnection was not necessary. I have severed relationships over money, petty fights and miscommunications. There are examples of people joining together to solve a problem in the Seneca folk tale, The Origin of The Long House, the Mohawk chief was sad because he could not get the young warriors of his tribe to stop warring. The chief was open to learn from another chief, and then went imploring help from more chiefs to regain peace and strength in his tribe.(140, Penn) If we are not too proud, we can work together to lift ourselves and our communities up. In the Coeur d'Alene folk tale, Cosechin, Cosechin was a very mean man who was neglectful of his responsibilities to his relationships. The other tribe members pleaded with him to try and be kind, but he answered, "Heck with everybody." So together, the tribe banished him. He came back with a change of heart, being kind. It did not last long and when he went back to his old ways, he disappeared. (143, Penn) Here is an example of a group response to someone in their tribe putting out harmful negative energy. It is a lesson for youngsters to watch their attitudes so they do not bring themselves or their tribe down with useless attitudes of laziness and feelings of mean self centeredness.
Native Americans also have many ceremonies to strengthen bonds. Quoting
White Buffalo Woman, Brooke shares,
"In sharing the lighting and smoking of the Sacred Pipe, she tells us:
This, your individual human life, like the single flame that burns this
twig, is sufficient to light a great fire. As long as the love that burns
within you is turned toward self-centered pursuits, it will remain tiny
like this flame. Remaining tiny, it will bring you no joy. Eventually, in
the swirling winds of spirit, it will be extinguished. But when you are in harmony
with the Great Spirit, your flame of love is fanned by those same spirit winds. You
are in love with the very purpose of life! You light the fire of love in all you meet.
You know the purpose of your walk through this world, and you know why the
Great One gave you a life flame: not so that you could keep your tiny flame to
yourself, loving what you need only, but so that you could give it away, and
with the fire of your love, bring consciousness to Earth.'" (299, Medicine Eagle)
This sharing is a physical understanding of all we have touched on in this
paper. There is recognition of interdependence. There is an importance for us to come together to achieve
greatness, daring not only to care but to love expansively.
Going forth with any holistic healing, we must always carry the philosophy before the modalities. "The medicine we need will never lie in getting smaller or more exclusive; it lies in the direction of unity, expansion, inclusiveness, and caring. By reaching out through our arms and hands, we have the ability to bring the energy of our hearts to bear in a manner that restores wholeness." (300, Medicine Eagle) With the loss of intention, action is moot. Life is moot. I put the challenge before you to not only care, but start to love your communities. You may gain a lot of patience, friends and an understanding that you do not achieve with the hectic life we are accustomed to. Slow down, and understand the exchange of energy, the interdependency, then breathe deep because you have intention.
Fear
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"
While this quote is bullshit...
And while I understand that my own simple fears of not being able to feed myself/ becoming homeless again/ or not reaching my full potential are selfish and menial
(I am so small and very insignificant after all).
I do understand the world is going to shit. (Understatement)
I refuse to live in fear.
Does this mean I will get food I know has hormones in it, or veggies I know have been sprayed a million times, or stop recycling? Hell no, but if I want a pizza with sausage do I give a shit if it's organic? No.
Am I going to not procreate because the world might end soon? No.
Do I think I am a cruel selfish person? Hahaha! No.
With how picky I am towards partners and people I love, my house will be a happy one with much dancing, cooking and rocket ships.
(ps if you want to dance you should listen to my international mix and let it play.. I know it's strange. But good beats, friends. Good beats!)
DON'T LIVE IN FEAR -> YOUR LIFE WOULD SUCK
Take information process it.. and continue to live vibrantly.
Fuck yeah :)
<3
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
oh my heart
IM SO EXCITED TO LIVE WITH MY SISTERRRRR
WE ARE GUNNA HAVE THE BEST LITTLE APARTMENT EVER.
01/02/06 WishesKissesFishes
"Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth."
"Even if you get your wish, there are usually complications.."
dangerous angels
flb
Papa
Dear Maria,
I wish to nominate Dante Germanotta for a posthumous Outstanding Alumni of North Central award for the year 2006. This will be the 55th year of his graduation from North Central. You suggested earlier that this might be an appropriate year to make the nomination.
Dante represents the highest example of the kind of dedicated service to a wide diversity of his fellow human beings, the kind of dedication and service that North Central College encouraged and prepared students for in the 1940’s and 1950’s, that which is still instilled in its students today. During the tumultuous civil rights struggles of the 1960’s, Dante chose to participate in that struggle toward justice by teaching at an all-black college in a segregated community and by supporting the students’ efforts to establish both and identity and civil rights. He participated in local, state, and national groups to promote further civil rights. Following that experience and further education, Dante entered the lives of migrant workers in Ohio, struggling, also, for identity, fair wages, and fair treatment. He followed that service with committed efforts to offer substantial education to prison inmates, believing that many wanted, needed, and deserved education. He helped to establish a system in which area universities of Massachusetts participated in providing this education, getting state funding for the programs. He was recognized by the state of Massachusetts, the universities in the Boston area for this effort, but especially by the lives touched throughout his life..
After graduation in 1951, Dante entered Evangelical Theological Seminary, graduating in 1954. Following graduation, Dante and his wife, Betsy Erdmann Germanotta, also of the class of 1951, served three years as pastor to two EUB churches in small Wisconsin communities. The following describes his participation in and with communities of diversity, all in stress due to societal changes. Dante, with his family, represent courage, commitment to justice, and willingness to take risk to promote values learned early and held throughout the entire years of his life. He with his family:
1. served an EUB church in Cambridge, MA, as pastor and Walpole Community Church as Minister of Education while pursuing hi PHD in Social Ethics and Sociology of Religion at Boston University, 1957-1965.
2. served on the Walpole Human Rights Committee and started a prison ministry at Walpole Prison
3. served as professor at sociology at Claflin College, Orangeburg, South Carolina, on of two all-black colleges in South Carolina, in 1965.
4. marched with others on behalf of civil rights in 1963.
5. became involved with the South Carolina education project, encouraging the black community to vote, while a part of the Claflin Community.
6. advised the college chapter of NAACP among all black college professors and students.
7. was appointed field representative for the Southern Regional area of NAACP
8. was appointed to the Human Rights Committee following Orangeburg massacre, October, 1968,
9. completed his doctoral studies in 1968.
10. went to Defiance, Ohio, in 1968 as Sociology professor, choosing that location knowing of the migrant workers coming north from Florida.
11. took part, with his students in projects to integrate migrant students in to the community and to advocate for their welfare interests.
12. worked on behalf of the Students for Black Liberation.
13. joined the Farm Labor Organizing Committee to promote better working conditions and better living conditions in plants such as Campbell Soup, as well as on farms.
14. started an alternative elementary school for the community to serve the children of all races, languages and economic conditions with open classrooms.
15. moved to Massachusetts in 1974, as sociology professor for Curry College in Milton, MA.
16. pioneered a prison education program with the Mass Council on Prison Education, Curry College, Boston University, and ten other university participants.
17. encouraged innovative education principles as the board’s conscience for maintaining high quality education as a member of the Lincoln-Sudbury School Committee.
Let me know how this sounds, looks, reads, etc. I want to send it in immediately. Leota
there are more, but i liked this one the best.
RIP papa.
I wish to nominate Dante Germanotta for a posthumous Outstanding Alumni of North Central award for the year 2006. This will be the 55th year of his graduation from North Central. You suggested earlier that this might be an appropriate year to make the nomination.
Dante represents the highest example of the kind of dedicated service to a wide diversity of his fellow human beings, the kind of dedication and service that North Central College encouraged and prepared students for in the 1940’s and 1950’s, that which is still instilled in its students today. During the tumultuous civil rights struggles of the 1960’s, Dante chose to participate in that struggle toward justice by teaching at an all-black college in a segregated community and by supporting the students’ efforts to establish both and identity and civil rights. He participated in local, state, and national groups to promote further civil rights. Following that experience and further education, Dante entered the lives of migrant workers in Ohio, struggling, also, for identity, fair wages, and fair treatment. He followed that service with committed efforts to offer substantial education to prison inmates, believing that many wanted, needed, and deserved education. He helped to establish a system in which area universities of Massachusetts participated in providing this education, getting state funding for the programs. He was recognized by the state of Massachusetts, the universities in the Boston area for this effort, but especially by the lives touched throughout his life..
After graduation in 1951, Dante entered Evangelical Theological Seminary, graduating in 1954. Following graduation, Dante and his wife, Betsy Erdmann Germanotta, also of the class of 1951, served three years as pastor to two EUB churches in small Wisconsin communities. The following describes his participation in and with communities of diversity, all in stress due to societal changes. Dante, with his family, represent courage, commitment to justice, and willingness to take risk to promote values learned early and held throughout the entire years of his life. He with his family:
1. served an EUB church in Cambridge, MA, as pastor and Walpole Community Church as Minister of Education while pursuing hi PHD in Social Ethics and Sociology of Religion at Boston University, 1957-1965.
2. served on the Walpole Human Rights Committee and started a prison ministry at Walpole Prison
3. served as professor at sociology at Claflin College, Orangeburg, South Carolina, on of two all-black colleges in South Carolina, in 1965.
4. marched with others on behalf of civil rights in 1963.
5. became involved with the South Carolina education project, encouraging the black community to vote, while a part of the Claflin Community.
6. advised the college chapter of NAACP among all black college professors and students.
7. was appointed field representative for the Southern Regional area of NAACP
8. was appointed to the Human Rights Committee following Orangeburg massacre, October, 1968,
9. completed his doctoral studies in 1968.
10. went to Defiance, Ohio, in 1968 as Sociology professor, choosing that location knowing of the migrant workers coming north from Florida.
11. took part, with his students in projects to integrate migrant students in to the community and to advocate for their welfare interests.
12. worked on behalf of the Students for Black Liberation.
13. joined the Farm Labor Organizing Committee to promote better working conditions and better living conditions in plants such as Campbell Soup, as well as on farms.
14. started an alternative elementary school for the community to serve the children of all races, languages and economic conditions with open classrooms.
15. moved to Massachusetts in 1974, as sociology professor for Curry College in Milton, MA.
16. pioneered a prison education program with the Mass Council on Prison Education, Curry College, Boston University, and ten other university participants.
17. encouraged innovative education principles as the board’s conscience for maintaining high quality education as a member of the Lincoln-Sudbury School Committee.
Let me know how this sounds, looks, reads, etc. I want to send it in immediately. Leota
there are more, but i liked this one the best.
RIP papa.
02/07/06
its as if im held together by glue, but there are cracks all over
or as if i have a stable foundation below me,
but im overflowing and strips of pain are bubbling over.
or as if i have a stable foundation below me,
but im overflowing and strips of pain are bubbling over.
Grapefruit poem!
soft pulpy grapefruit
i love the way you melt on my tongue
i will shower you with sugar and tenderly section you into bite sizes
i will suck your flesh off of the bitter skin
when i cannot savor your flesh any more..
i will squeeze you and drink all your bittersweet lovely juice
i love you soft pulpy grapefruit.
08/21/06
doors consistently opening and closing and reopening in my path.. sometimes i walk into them. sometimes i see them coming a mile away.
always trying to pull through on top
all the while my head my mind is spinning and more than half the time i have no idea whats going on
careful now.
not to break my fall
so its forever freefalling into possiblities
i refuse to live without passion risk or excitement.
at the same time picking up all the pieces can get tiring.
balance and coordination will get me through. believe me.
as long as i can feel the sun on my skin my mind will balance.
<3
08/28/06
driving home with tight lips and tears on constant threat of spilling onto my cheeks energy building up screaming lyrics harmonies until they become nothing distinguishable from the migrane pounding in my head turn it up so that my mind might explode trying not to think of pearls of blood and how sweet the salt is laughing to hysterics with my friends voice over the phone as i try and calm down exhaustion creepingaround the corners with suggestion of a crash
home collapse drugs blankets cat stevens sleep
home collapse drugs blankets cat stevens sleep
01/27/07
imagine the skin on your hands so taught they start to expand.. past you bones.. and it starts to shrivel and crack and you start getting tiny little cuts all over.. but all day your hands continue to be emerged in water.. only making your hands worse and worse.
the medicine you finally get because you cracked down to your mother, whom you were avoiding because of the shame of needing help.. you wanted to rough it out. do it on your own. but she says, go get the hydro cortizone. dont. be. silly.
tears of shame when you go to pick it up.
then you medicate your hands and get a smooth relief. your hands feel living again. nourished. replenished. slight bitter pain comes and subsides.
people have been offering me food at work because they know by seeing the rice and edimame i bring in that i dont have much else. i take it.. hungry for anything of substance. vegetables. fruit.
feeling desperate. but not alone.
i offer what i have.
noone wants my rice. my noodles. edimame. meatballs.
but they take my massages. my hugs. my love.
if my job doesnt work out im out, because these people are who i like in my life right now.
the medicine you finally get because you cracked down to your mother, whom you were avoiding because of the shame of needing help.. you wanted to rough it out. do it on your own. but she says, go get the hydro cortizone. dont. be. silly.
tears of shame when you go to pick it up.
then you medicate your hands and get a smooth relief. your hands feel living again. nourished. replenished. slight bitter pain comes and subsides.
people have been offering me food at work because they know by seeing the rice and edimame i bring in that i dont have much else. i take it.. hungry for anything of substance. vegetables. fruit.
feeling desperate. but not alone.
i offer what i have.
noone wants my rice. my noodles. edimame. meatballs.
but they take my massages. my hugs. my love.
if my job doesnt work out im out, because these people are who i like in my life right now.
08/10/08 Shame
shame:
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English scamu; akin to Old High German scama shame
Date: before 12th century
1 a: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b: the susceptibility to such emotion2: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute 3 a: something that brings censure or reproach; also : something to be regretted
i hate this word. i loathe it, actually. every time i hear it i cringe.
it is not a bad word.
i was talking to a client about the word today.
in terms of religion. in terms of how women are the carriers of.. she had no idea what i was talking about.
i find it hard sometimes to communicate with people who think i come entirely out of left field.
i am not shameful.
i do not hold shame with my menstruation. with my feet. with my breasts. with my sex.
i am a beautiful flawed human being.
i belong on this planet earth.
which is orbiting the sun in this small universe.
-----------------------------------------
A quick edit. I understand humility, I still do not understand shame. And I don't understand why I feel it so deeply. But I fight it every day.
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English scamu; akin to Old High German scama shame
Date: before 12th century
1 a: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b: the susceptibility to such emotion
i hate this word. i loathe it, actually. every time i hear it i cringe.
it is not a bad word.
i was talking to a client about the word today.
in terms of religion. in terms of how women are the carriers of.. she had no idea what i was talking about.
i find it hard sometimes to communicate with people who think i come entirely out of left field.
i am not shameful.
i do not hold shame with my menstruation. with my feet. with my breasts. with my sex.
i am a beautiful flawed human being.
i belong on this planet earth.
which is orbiting the sun in this small universe.
-----------------------------------------
A quick edit. I understand humility, I still do not understand shame. And I don't understand why I feel it so deeply. But I fight it every day.
I <3 Proust
When from a long distant past nothing subsists,
after the people are dead,
after the things are broken and scattered,
taste and smell alone, more fragile but enduring,
more substantial, more persistent,
more faithful, remain poised a long time,
like souls,
remembering,
waiting,
hoping, amid the ruins of all the rest;
and bear unflinchingly, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence,
the vast structure of recollection.
-Proust (read it out loud, and taste those goddamn words.)
after the people are dead,
after the things are broken and scattered,
taste and smell alone, more fragile but enduring,
more substantial, more persistent,
more faithful, remain poised a long time,
like souls,
remembering,
waiting,
hoping, amid the ruins of all the rest;
and bear unflinchingly, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence,
the vast structure of recollection.
-Proust (read it out loud, and taste those goddamn words.)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Diversity and imaginary friends
Just a quick thought before it goes away.
A huge bother button for me is when people think that the way they are living life is the correct way to live life.
There is no right way to live life. Except to continually grow in one way or another.
That's it.
Grow.
Accept your individual needs and grow. Everything else is arbitrary. You die eventually. It's really no big deal. As long as you live to your fullest. And personally speaking, I have had a Very adventure, risk taking, fun, enhancing life so far. And I am not even half way done! If I play my cards (and god be willing) I'll get another 50, 6o years in.
Lemme tell you I'm so serious when I say I need this move. I want to hear myself think again. I want to be in an environment where I am able to function the way that works for me. It's been so long..
I was in my element in Easthampton. I want that back. Bad.Even if I had imaginary friends. And you bet I did. When I was listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, I would have an imaginary fun boyfriend with suspenders and a hat in the doorway to the bathroom making funny faces at me.When I had my art supplies spread out all over the living room, I had a comforting presence of an imaginary craft buddy. And when I was listening to The Reining Sound and oh so loudly singing to myself and dancing and jumping around the room, I had company.
At least I know real flesh and blood people like me too. Though I will never lose my imaginary friends.
And I don't think I've ever told anyone about this.. so welcome to Emily coming out about a part of her imagination.
Maybe they are there because I have always had trouble accepting myself. It helps me.
But a flesh and blood friend wants to go play in the snow, now.
I'm so there. :)
A huge bother button for me is when people think that the way they are living life is the correct way to live life.
There is no right way to live life. Except to continually grow in one way or another.
That's it.
Grow.
Accept your individual needs and grow. Everything else is arbitrary. You die eventually. It's really no big deal. As long as you live to your fullest. And personally speaking, I have had a Very adventure, risk taking, fun, enhancing life so far. And I am not even half way done! If I play my cards (and god be willing) I'll get another 50, 6o years in.
Lemme tell you I'm so serious when I say I need this move. I want to hear myself think again. I want to be in an environment where I am able to function the way that works for me. It's been so long..
I was in my element in Easthampton. I want that back. Bad.Even if I had imaginary friends. And you bet I did. When I was listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, I would have an imaginary fun boyfriend with suspenders and a hat in the doorway to the bathroom making funny faces at me.When I had my art supplies spread out all over the living room, I had a comforting presence of an imaginary craft buddy. And when I was listening to The Reining Sound and oh so loudly singing to myself and dancing and jumping around the room, I had company.
At least I know real flesh and blood people like me too. Though I will never lose my imaginary friends.
And I don't think I've ever told anyone about this.. so welcome to Emily coming out about a part of her imagination.
Maybe they are there because I have always had trouble accepting myself. It helps me.
But a flesh and blood friend wants to go play in the snow, now.
I'm so there. :)
ma familia 10/12/09
I was talking to a friend about nostalgia. Where he is nostalgic for college, I have always been nostalgic for my childhood. I miss waking up to my mommy cuddling me to wake me up. Or the smells of my daddy's pancakes and bacon on those special Sunday mornings. I have so many lovely memories of my family growing up.. I suppose that's why I want one of my own.
Time is so fleeting.
I love my life..and obviously I'm not ready yet. I can't even handle the cat coming back for ten times petting every morning.. but that's why I want a family. Probably. I miss the intimacy. The wonderful unfiltered love. You can't touch it.. Not even close.
Morning babblings are the best.Time for this burned out lady to get ready for work.
Time is so fleeting.
I love my life..and obviously I'm not ready yet. I can't even handle the cat coming back for ten times petting every morning.. but that's why I want a family. Probably. I miss the intimacy. The wonderful unfiltered love. You can't touch it.. Not even close.
Morning babblings are the best.Time for this burned out lady to get ready for work.
Virginia Woolf 10/10/09
Reading about Virginia is making me so frustrated.
I know those feelings all too well. "Her incurable madness- this 'whirring of the wings in the brain'" -PwaN pg 171
Using anything to dull the pain. Anything that would work.
Anything that would get us to that mysterious sense of self.. Because neuroscience still has no idea what holds all of our fragments of mind together.
THIS is horrifying to me:
As Woolf began to write the novel, in the fall of 1922, shell shock was starting to be recognized as a genuine psychiatric illness. Elaine Showalter has pointed out that doctors treated this new scourge using the same blunt tools they had been using on women such as Woolf for more than twenty years. These treatments included drugging the patients with bromides, confining them to bed and force-feeding them milk, and pulling their teeth, which was believed to lower the temperature of the body. Other unfortunate patients got the fever cure, in which psychosis was treated with an injection of malaria, tuberculosis, or typhoid. The Nobel Prize was awarded for this sadistic treatment in 1927.pg 173 ftnote
Fuck. Even just being confined to bed would drive me to suicide when I was at my worst. I promise you that.
And we may look at this and cringe.. but look at our nation now. How many pills are out there? To cover up our symptoms? I took meds eventually for my family.. because I was hard to live with.
And I've been ashamed of my mental illness.
ASHAMED
Fuck that.
I've worked on myself a lot. And now I'd like a therapist to compare me to any "healthy. normal" person. Who is more empathetic? How do our morals compare? Who eats better? Who gets decent exercise?
Surely not the ex-psychotic!
Maybe if we learn how to treat each other properly..
ourselves..
Maybe if we stop trying to "fix" ourselves for other people.
Maybe if we look around and build ourselves building blocks from the beginning...
We wouldn't fall so far.
We wouldn't feel so cornered.
Helpless.
Alone.
Powerless.
Stretching our bodies out to their full length.
Breathing in and out with purpose.
Experiencing things that make our sensations soar.
Sharing all kinds of feelings with like minded people.
And getting to the point where we can focus enough to learn what makes us excited.
And then learning it.
Or doing it.
And learn how to survive and keep our perspectives straight in this consumer priority society.
What matters to us?
For me. My bike. It keeps me in shape and happy.
My cat. He's my partner in crime.
My out of the box relationships and the lifestyle that fits me best.
Listening to my gut.
Loving as many people as I can.
Sharing with as many people as I can.
LEARNING.
What if Woolf was misdiagnosed?
What if she just didn't fit.
It's hard when you just don't fit.
And more and more I'm realizing it's really quite ok that I don't.
I know those feelings all too well. "Her incurable madness- this 'whirring of the wings in the brain'" -PwaN pg 171
Using anything to dull the pain. Anything that would work.
Anything that would get us to that mysterious sense of self.. Because neuroscience still has no idea what holds all of our fragments of mind together.
THIS is horrifying to me:
As Woolf began to write the novel, in the fall of 1922, shell shock was starting to be recognized as a genuine psychiatric illness. Elaine Showalter has pointed out that doctors treated this new scourge using the same blunt tools they had been using on women such as Woolf for more than twenty years. These treatments included drugging the patients with bromides, confining them to bed and force-feeding them milk, and pulling their teeth, which was believed to lower the temperature of the body. Other unfortunate patients got the fever cure, in which psychosis was treated with an injection of malaria, tuberculosis, or typhoid. The Nobel Prize was awarded for this sadistic treatment in 1927.pg 173 ftnote
Fuck. Even just being confined to bed would drive me to suicide when I was at my worst. I promise you that.
And we may look at this and cringe.. but look at our nation now. How many pills are out there? To cover up our symptoms? I took meds eventually for my family.. because I was hard to live with.
And I've been ashamed of my mental illness.
ASHAMED
Fuck that.
I've worked on myself a lot. And now I'd like a therapist to compare me to any "healthy. normal" person. Who is more empathetic? How do our morals compare? Who eats better? Who gets decent exercise?
Surely not the ex-psychotic!
Maybe if we learn how to treat each other properly..
ourselves..
Maybe if we stop trying to "fix" ourselves for other people.
Maybe if we look around and build ourselves building blocks from the beginning...
We wouldn't fall so far.
We wouldn't feel so cornered.
Helpless.
Alone.
Powerless.
Stretching our bodies out to their full length.
Breathing in and out with purpose.
Experiencing things that make our sensations soar.
Sharing all kinds of feelings with like minded people.
And getting to the point where we can focus enough to learn what makes us excited.
And then learning it.
Or doing it.
And learn how to survive and keep our perspectives straight in this consumer priority society.
What matters to us?
For me. My bike. It keeps me in shape and happy.
My cat. He's my partner in crime.
My out of the box relationships and the lifestyle that fits me best.
Listening to my gut.
Loving as many people as I can.
Sharing with as many people as I can.
LEARNING.
What if Woolf was misdiagnosed?
What if she just didn't fit.
It's hard when you just don't fit.
And more and more I'm realizing it's really quite ok that I don't.
Inspiration 09/16/09
Yesterday I was eating my breakfast sandwich with my new book in the Border's Bookstore where you can see out of the huge glass windows thinking about what I want to spend my last four dollars on... observing people.. thinking about my journey. I see the bargain books and think about how much that picture of the universe book I saw was. Then I see a man lying down on a bench. I think about hoe desensitized I must be not too notice him until that moment. I think about how Val told me she gives the people begging for money food because they have extra. How much was my sandwich? $4
So I get him a sandwich.
Each of you inspires me every single day.
You inspire me so much that I don't even catch it most of the time.
I had a heart to heart with my father this morning.
And my singing in the shower was my best in a while.
I see my mother and she inspires me to pick myself up and reach for my dreams.
I see my grandmother I know I can get through another day.
My sister makes me laugh till I cry.
Whether you inspire me to live more gracefully, dance, laugh or love. I love you all and I thank you so very much.
So I get him a sandwich.
Each of you inspires me every single day.
You inspire me so much that I don't even catch it most of the time.
I had a heart to heart with my father this morning.
And my singing in the shower was my best in a while.
I see my mother and she inspires me to pick myself up and reach for my dreams.
I see my grandmother I know I can get through another day.
My sister makes me laugh till I cry.
Whether you inspire me to live more gracefully, dance, laugh or love. I love you all and I thank you so very much.
Main Objective 09/14/09
To study neuroscience, psychology and sociology. I want to bridge the gap between the sciences and the humanities. I want to communicate healthy ideas that will help us with this nation's epidemic of mental illness so that we will be in the right space to heal both physically and spiritually.
<3!
Really exciting.
<3!
Really exciting.
gore 09/13/09
Ripped open and raw
Trying desperately to cover up emotion with emotion
And it feels like a free falling waterfall, my life
Full of adrenaline
Moments of ecstasy and flying
Moments of drowning
Moments where you feel yourself getting torn from limb to limb
Then there is the numbness
Reaching out for anything to ground yourself
You find clarity in the chaos
Realizing that it never really matters anyway
But it all does
So you just keep struggling
Until you learn to ride the waterfall
And little by little
Accept
Trying desperately to cover up emotion with emotion
And it feels like a free falling waterfall, my life
Full of adrenaline
Moments of ecstasy and flying
Moments of drowning
Moments where you feel yourself getting torn from limb to limb
Then there is the numbness
Reaching out for anything to ground yourself
You find clarity in the chaos
Realizing that it never really matters anyway
But it all does
So you just keep struggling
Until you learn to ride the waterfall
And little by little
Accept
Secret Heart 09/12/09
Secret heart stay hidden so you don't get torn anymore.
Emotion stay surface so I can skim over the pain.
Let me lace my reasoning around you delicately but firm.
But you are too strong for my fine lace.
With a beat that matches the moon you burn like a fire.
And I cannot contain you.
And so I burn silent and strong.
And my confidence lies with Mother Earth and Grandmother Moon.
Give me ritual. Give me peace. Give me grace.
<3
Emotion stay surface so I can skim over the pain.
Let me lace my reasoning around you delicately but firm.
But you are too strong for my fine lace.
With a beat that matches the moon you burn like a fire.
And I cannot contain you.
And so I burn silent and strong.
And my confidence lies with Mother Earth and Grandmother Moon.
Give me ritual. Give me peace. Give me grace.
<3
Fir In the Mind Quotes and some of what it makes me think so far 09/11/09
"In the end, there is no way to know whether science is converging on a single truth, the way the universe is, or simply building artificial structures, tools that allow us to predict, to some extent, and to explain and control."
pg 6
WOAH. I've NEVER thought about this before. We are so taught to just accept science as fact that I feel like a complete moron to never think about this.
PERSPECTIVE
Always question.
Terra incognita <3> historical science Physics-> search for absolutes"
Santa Fe Institute-> seek to explain how our unfeeling universe gives rise to life, mind and society" pg 3
Unfeeling?! Does this just mean frontal lobes? Do other animals use their frontal lobes at all? Do plants grow differently surrounded by negative energy? What part of the universe is unfeeling? Isn't it just balances of negative and positives? Society= diff. animal habitats? How we interact with each other and our environment.
"Once a person becomes enmeshed in an ideology or a scientist in a hypothesis, it is difficult not to see confirmation everywhere. "Our brains are wired to see order, but we are prisoners of our nervous systems. Cursed with never knowing when we are seeing truths out there in the universe and when we are merely inventing elaborate architectures." pg 21
Kind of like when interpreting art. Life and the universe is art. Is there any way of really knowing? MUST we know? Is it really That important? Or should we be happy with our own interpretations?
Why the universe is the way it is?
Why are we here?
Why do I simplify- or feel the need to simplify this question?
The answer has always been the same for me.
Life= to Love to Learn. To enjoy the journey. To take care of each other.
Bottom line.
Is this truth for everyone? No idea. But it is my truth and has been ever since I was old enough to reason.
"In building a theory of the world, it helps if one's vision is a little blurry."
pg 44
hahahahahahah
"We invent spaces all the time, so compulsively that the talent seems to be wired into our nervous systems. An outgrowth of the evolutionarily advantageous ability to picture mentally what is not immediately before our eyes... moving closer to a goal, we are abstracting the notion of physical space." pg 47
pg 6
WOAH. I've NEVER thought about this before. We are so taught to just accept science as fact that I feel like a complete moron to never think about this.
PERSPECTIVE
Always question.
Terra incognita <3> historical science Physics-> search for absolutes"
Santa Fe Institute-> seek to explain how our unfeeling universe gives rise to life, mind and society" pg 3
Unfeeling?! Does this just mean frontal lobes? Do other animals use their frontal lobes at all? Do plants grow differently surrounded by negative energy? What part of the universe is unfeeling? Isn't it just balances of negative and positives? Society= diff. animal habitats? How we interact with each other and our environment.
"Once a person becomes enmeshed in an ideology or a scientist in a hypothesis, it is difficult not to see confirmation everywhere. "Our brains are wired to see order, but we are prisoners of our nervous systems. Cursed with never knowing when we are seeing truths out there in the universe and when we are merely inventing elaborate architectures." pg 21
Kind of like when interpreting art. Life and the universe is art. Is there any way of really knowing? MUST we know? Is it really That important? Or should we be happy with our own interpretations?
Why the universe is the way it is?
Why are we here?
Why do I simplify- or feel the need to simplify this question?
The answer has always been the same for me.
Life= to Love to Learn. To enjoy the journey. To take care of each other.
Bottom line.
Is this truth for everyone? No idea. But it is my truth and has been ever since I was old enough to reason.
"In building a theory of the world, it helps if one's vision is a little blurry."
pg 44
hahahahahahah
"We invent spaces all the time, so compulsively that the talent seems to be wired into our nervous systems. An outgrowth of the evolutionarily advantageous ability to picture mentally what is not immediately before our eyes... moving closer to a goal, we are abstracting the notion of physical space." pg 47
Tarot 08/16/09
wandering in circles- much more resembling orbs
sometimes i feel more trapped inside them
taking comfort from the familiarity
dreading the same old answers
the unknowns. what is to be.
i focus on what is known
what is within my power
and then sometimes its not enough
so i find my cards
neatly lined up
tell stories of heart ache heart break
failure and success
will you tell me please what's next?
i'm dying to know
crawling out of my skin
anxious
as i've ever been
sometimes i feel more trapped inside them
taking comfort from the familiarity
dreading the same old answers
the unknowns. what is to be.
i focus on what is known
what is within my power
and then sometimes its not enough
so i find my cards
neatly lined up
tell stories of heart ache heart break
failure and success
will you tell me please what's next?
i'm dying to know
crawling out of my skin
anxious
as i've ever been
Scrawls in my notebook that got wet 08/12/09
Every time I come back I feel people become less and less sincere.
As becoming a stranger sets in an inevitable cloud of unconscious awkwardness Obligation to say hello instead of want.
"You are the artist of your life"
Words I wouldn't mind tattooed on my body:
Respect ?
Pride tramp stamp :P
Empathy arm
Passion behind my ear
Kindness arm
Patience arm
Love behind my other ear
"Most Americans occupy the middle ground: we want it all. We want to cheer on science's strides and humble ourselves on the Sabbath"
David Van Biema
Nov 13, 2006
Time
Bottom pg 54
communication in the future
"less inbreeding"
less culture?
tradition?
communities?
pg 38 Seed
"US scientists were more likely to be religious than their international colleagues, as well as much more likely to describe themselves as spiritual."
pg 66
"Science has eroded the need for religion." True or False.. scientist poll says 35% think true
With the tools school will help me achieve I believe I will be in a much better position to reach the potential that is so painfully apparent to myself and those around me. It is frustrating feeling like a loser when at the same time I know I have so much to offer the world. I'm mediocre in the jobs I have now because it's not my passion. I don't have to be mediocre.It's a trapped feeling- like running out of air and I don't know how to save myself because every angle looks so futile as if I'm walking into a million traps every direction I step into. I'm tired of walking in circles. I'm tired of this drowning feeling. I'm tired of not progressing.
I'm overcome at how good people can be toward each other. And how much gratitude I feel each day.
Because someone covered my bike seat with plastic because it rained. Or the man who just let me onto the train with his pass. Or my [then] bf who only just wants to make me as happy as I make him.
My grandmother taking me in her arms.
<3> For Mr. David Cantor
Winding around the twisting corners deep within the belly of the earth
My wish
Carry me away
Indecision
Going my way straight and pure as I
Can muster
Doing right by my own
My brain is mush
Right down to the bone
Leaving beyond myself to their own control
Someday things will all -------------
Dancing in a drunken state
Sharing secret glances
Humming low enough to be the train
Thoughts keep going in a lucid state
Do I dare?
I've played this game before.
I might.
Like the zipper of your leather jacket
I remember how we came undone
Holding you in my arms so unsure
How to make it right
You killed me with that one
On that night I knew you loved me
And that it would never be
Even though it was right
Your wounds were so deep
And I feel that happening
With everyone I meet
It didn't start with you
It didn't end with you
But you are the one that made sense
As becoming a stranger sets in an inevitable cloud of unconscious awkwardness Obligation to say hello instead of want.
"You are the artist of your life"
Words I wouldn't mind tattooed on my body:
Respect ?
Pride tramp stamp :P
Empathy arm
Passion behind my ear
Kindness arm
Patience arm
Love behind my other ear
"Most Americans occupy the middle ground: we want it all. We want to cheer on science's strides and humble ourselves on the Sabbath"
David Van Biema
Nov 13, 2006
Time
Bottom pg 54
communication in the future
"less inbreeding"
less culture?
tradition?
communities?
pg 38 Seed
"US scientists were more likely to be religious than their international colleagues, as well as much more likely to describe themselves as spiritual."
pg 66
"Science has eroded the need for religion." True or False.. scientist poll says 35% think true
With the tools school will help me achieve I believe I will be in a much better position to reach the potential that is so painfully apparent to myself and those around me. It is frustrating feeling like a loser when at the same time I know I have so much to offer the world. I'm mediocre in the jobs I have now because it's not my passion. I don't have to be mediocre.It's a trapped feeling- like running out of air and I don't know how to save myself because every angle looks so futile as if I'm walking into a million traps every direction I step into. I'm tired of walking in circles. I'm tired of this drowning feeling. I'm tired of not progressing.
I'm overcome at how good people can be toward each other. And how much gratitude I feel each day.
Because someone covered my bike seat with plastic because it rained. Or the man who just let me onto the train with his pass. Or my [then] bf who only just wants to make me as happy as I make him.
My grandmother taking me in her arms.
<3> For Mr. David Cantor
Winding around the twisting corners deep within the belly of the earth
My wish
Carry me away
Indecision
Going my way straight and pure as I
Can muster
Doing right by my own
My brain is mush
Right down to the bone
Leaving beyond myself to their own control
Someday things will all -------------
Dancing in a drunken state
Sharing secret glances
Humming low enough to be the train
Thoughts keep going in a lucid state
Do I dare?
I've played this game before.
I might.
Like the zipper of your leather jacket
I remember how we came undone
Holding you in my arms so unsure
How to make it right
You killed me with that one
On that night I knew you loved me
And that it would never be
Even though it was right
Your wounds were so deep
And I feel that happening
With everyone I meet
It didn't start with you
It didn't end with you
But you are the one that made sense
The Golden Rule 08/12/09
Mosley helped me with my first theory. It blew my mind, but stays with me.
She's gone through much more than me, and yet I was having so much trouble with pain when I was at Antioch. She told me: You cannot compare pain. Pain is pain.What grew from that is feelings are feelings. You must pay attention to them and honor yourself. If you have a certain feeling. You must be aware of it, convey it if it involves someone else and deal with it.
The second theory is that everyone is in constant crises. Including myself. Including yourself. It is how we handle it and treat each other. That is what life is ALL about. If I let someone walk all over me because they are going through crises I will forever be letting them walk all over me. I addition to or ignoring my own crises. Way way unhealthy.
Growing up as a Female I had anxiety and grew up in a narrow minded Christianity sect where shame was rampant.
So. As soon as I got out of there, I've been working on taking back what is mine: my space.
I have a right to be treated in a certain way. I have a right to my feelings. I have a right to my space.
And I vow I will learn to take up my space.
All of it.
And be a wonderful glowing person. Whole. Complete and giving.
The Golden Rule: Be a Good person.
Whatever good is to you. If you are good, you will love yourself.Then you can love the people around you.
Simple concepts to put everything in perspective.
She's gone through much more than me, and yet I was having so much trouble with pain when I was at Antioch. She told me: You cannot compare pain. Pain is pain.What grew from that is feelings are feelings. You must pay attention to them and honor yourself. If you have a certain feeling. You must be aware of it, convey it if it involves someone else and deal with it.
The second theory is that everyone is in constant crises. Including myself. Including yourself. It is how we handle it and treat each other. That is what life is ALL about. If I let someone walk all over me because they are going through crises I will forever be letting them walk all over me. I addition to or ignoring my own crises. Way way unhealthy.
Growing up as a Female I had anxiety and grew up in a narrow minded Christianity sect where shame was rampant.
So. As soon as I got out of there, I've been working on taking back what is mine: my space.
I have a right to be treated in a certain way. I have a right to my feelings. I have a right to my space.
And I vow I will learn to take up my space.
All of it.
And be a wonderful glowing person. Whole. Complete and giving.
The Golden Rule: Be a Good person.
Whatever good is to you. If you are good, you will love yourself.Then you can love the people around you.
Simple concepts to put everything in perspective.
Mermaid Dreams 04/06/09
Abandoning today I stare into what I've been for as long as I can remember Wrap myself in the comfort of familiar things and allow myself to breathe forgetting all recent events Trading them in for tea parties, dress up and dreaming of rock concerts and dancing in front of mirrors.
No one could ever touch my imagination, but that was always what I wanted most.So I made them up. People who could go with me through my mind and knew all that needed to be known without any form of communication except a smile.Dreams of the circus and riding unicycles with Daddy. Dreams of traveling to lands where the gardens where completely wild and i could ride on elephants having conversations with the monkeys.
Ivy covers everything. Then I'm in a desert, everything is rose colored. I'm twirling around and around adrenaline speeding in with the spinning falling and laughing and wild horses.Hating everything in real life until my parents forced me to try something and I loved it.Losing myself in reading about worlds that I still wish are real.
No one could ever touch my imagination, but that was always what I wanted most.So I made them up. People who could go with me through my mind and knew all that needed to be known without any form of communication except a smile.Dreams of the circus and riding unicycles with Daddy. Dreams of traveling to lands where the gardens where completely wild and i could ride on elephants having conversations with the monkeys.
Ivy covers everything. Then I'm in a desert, everything is rose colored. I'm twirling around and around adrenaline speeding in with the spinning falling and laughing and wild horses.Hating everything in real life until my parents forced me to try something and I loved it.Losing myself in reading about worlds that I still wish are real.
a dream note left on my mother's dresser 01/19/07
Dinosaurs and Angels
carved out of stone
greeted me with their
white faces of bone.
carved out of stone
greeted me with their
white faces of bone.
broken dreams are curding in my mouth 10/19/06
its becoming sour
and the texture is becoming as sandpaper
do you realize how tired i am
of the old runaroundof feeling so undatable after the last rejection
fell into love with the wrong right man
again
believed all the lies
family drama
and burritos for dinner
world. will you please stop turning?
im trying to gain my balance.
stable job. stable house. cat.
sanity?
and the texture is becoming as sandpaper
do you realize how tired i am
of the old runaroundof feeling so undatable after the last rejection
fell into love with the wrong right man
again
believed all the lies
family drama
and burritos for dinner
world. will you please stop turning?
im trying to gain my balance.
stable job. stable house. cat.
sanity?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)