i have very little patience for passive aggressive people. i do not want to know you if you are.
i have very little patience for people full of negativity. you are poisen. stay away from me.
it's pretty simple.
and for all those people who i do have. i love you and i am eternally grateful for our relationships.
my life is becoming more wonderful every day.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
vitality vs mortality
i had been watching a few of those heart warming films for gay/bi/transgendered kids out there.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo
I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.
I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.
I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.
After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.
The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.
What is the worth of this life?
I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.
So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...
I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.
Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.
Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.
Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.
Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.
Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.
You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo
I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.
I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.
I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.
After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.
The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.
What is the worth of this life?
I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.
So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...
I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.
Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.
Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.
Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.
Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.
Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.
You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
mirfday
Am I disappointed with myself? I am not where I thought I would be at 25. I guess I fight with that. But I think disappointed isn't the word. Who I am and what I have grown into is too tangible not to count as valid. I'll write more later. Going to the beach to look at sand castles. :P
Thursday, April 15, 2010
where i am on 4/15/10
So. I was day dreaming visiting Shirley. My old street. Wesley's house. Meeting up with her mom for a cup of tea.
What have I done with myself?
Going to my old house. Saying to the people who live there now, "Hi. I used to live here. Your pool is where we buried my great grandmother." They would probably say something like, "Shit. I'm sorry." And I would probably say something like, "It's no biggie. Life keeps changing and moving.. I don't see why we expect everything to freeze around our corpses when we are dead."
Then it dawned on me, once again.
I am really exciting. My life has been really exciting. Not in the minute to minute aspect, I mean. Tonight was spent rapping (quite horribly) and dancing with my bf on my bed, to A Tribe Called Quest and The Beastie Boys. Then more Buffy.
Then I was thinking about my dead end job for the past year. Which is really only dead end because I don't enjoy it. And I did consider about making it a career for half a second. I thought about making hair a career. For longer. I enjoyed it.. but not enough. I was a smoker when I did hair. The first month and a half I cried every night after work from doing hair. Because it was intense stress. The smoking helped. I considered hair because it made sense on a logical viewpoint.
But my heart. My health. Not so sensible when you throw those in.
Now massage.
I will heal and center and be centered. And my life will revolve around health.
Not how someone looks.
Because I find that hardly matters.
I mean.. it's nice. But isn't it SO much more important the way someone carries themselves? Or if a person is considerate? Or has a contagious laugh?
To me it is.
That is what I want to spend my life doing.
Helping people find their light.
And it wasn't a dead end job. It got me back on my feet. (With tons of help from my family) I am not (and have never been) in debt. I may not know exactly what's going on, but.. another epiphany.
As I grow older I am appreciating how hard it is to be resourceful. So this isn't working for you, what are you going to do? What skills do I have that I can play upon? Think outside the box and reach outside the norm. It should be MANDATORY for kids to get these skills in school.. and yet. :/
So? I will sell sex toys at sex toy parties until I find a job, (and work the Census, kitchen hair cuts, sing at bars). Or if it is successful, I will continue that, volunteer with all of my free time and go to massage school. Why the eff not.
Life is good. My mother is a genius. I will live on.
What have I done with myself?
Going to my old house. Saying to the people who live there now, "Hi. I used to live here. Your pool is where we buried my great grandmother." They would probably say something like, "Shit. I'm sorry." And I would probably say something like, "It's no biggie. Life keeps changing and moving.. I don't see why we expect everything to freeze around our corpses when we are dead."
Then it dawned on me, once again.
I am really exciting. My life has been really exciting. Not in the minute to minute aspect, I mean. Tonight was spent rapping (quite horribly) and dancing with my bf on my bed, to A Tribe Called Quest and The Beastie Boys. Then more Buffy.
Then I was thinking about my dead end job for the past year. Which is really only dead end because I don't enjoy it. And I did consider about making it a career for half a second. I thought about making hair a career. For longer. I enjoyed it.. but not enough. I was a smoker when I did hair. The first month and a half I cried every night after work from doing hair. Because it was intense stress. The smoking helped. I considered hair because it made sense on a logical viewpoint.
But my heart. My health. Not so sensible when you throw those in.
Now massage.
I will heal and center and be centered. And my life will revolve around health.
Not how someone looks.
Because I find that hardly matters.
I mean.. it's nice. But isn't it SO much more important the way someone carries themselves? Or if a person is considerate? Or has a contagious laugh?
To me it is.
That is what I want to spend my life doing.
Helping people find their light.
And it wasn't a dead end job. It got me back on my feet. (With tons of help from my family) I am not (and have never been) in debt. I may not know exactly what's going on, but.. another epiphany.
As I grow older I am appreciating how hard it is to be resourceful. So this isn't working for you, what are you going to do? What skills do I have that I can play upon? Think outside the box and reach outside the norm. It should be MANDATORY for kids to get these skills in school.. and yet. :/
So? I will sell sex toys at sex toy parties until I find a job, (and work the Census, kitchen hair cuts, sing at bars). Or if it is successful, I will continue that, volunteer with all of my free time and go to massage school. Why the eff not.
Life is good. My mother is a genius. I will live on.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
How to Get unstuck.
Inspiration to make my own space, my own. Space where I can be by myself without sitting in front of the computer. I miss myself. I always get back to this place where I miss myself. There don't seem to be enough minutes in a day. The feeling of being sedated. Beginnings of hating myself. Which is a silly thing to do. Always looking for escapism.. from myself. Another silly thing to do. But I don't hate myself. I miss myself. Which isn't new. I used to look for myself in books of other worlds.. and I would feel at home for whole hours. Reality doesn't always seem to click with me. The disillusions of an artist. Not a very good one. Or a very public one. Cold rainy days make me stay in bed. White walls drive me nuts.
Pretty human, I think. Jazz and cats make me feel safe. I need to put my massage table away. It's taking up my space. I need to throw up white paper and draw on my walls and not give a fuck. Redecorate my house.
Get everything in order.
It all starts with home.
Maybe buy a sheet that fits this goddamn mattress while I'm at it.
Pretty human, I think. Jazz and cats make me feel safe. I need to put my massage table away. It's taking up my space. I need to throw up white paper and draw on my walls and not give a fuck. Redecorate my house.
Get everything in order.
It all starts with home.
Maybe buy a sheet that fits this goddamn mattress while I'm at it.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Courage
With all of my set backs it takes a lot of courage for me to go request for employment.
It takes courage to feel as if I have a right to live on the same plane as others.
Self esteem is vital.
Then I think of all those others who have many more set backs than I do.
And all of a sudden there is a warmth rushing into my heart.
For all the courageous people in the world fill my heart with pride for my human race.
The things we do to support and sustain ourselves and our loved ones.
And we don't give up.
This is courage.
It takes courage to feel as if I have a right to live on the same plane as others.
Self esteem is vital.
Then I think of all those others who have many more set backs than I do.
And all of a sudden there is a warmth rushing into my heart.
For all the courageous people in the world fill my heart with pride for my human race.
The things we do to support and sustain ourselves and our loved ones.
And we don't give up.
This is courage.
Fair
The concept of empathy is lost on most people, I think. Watching politics, even as little as I have. People have no concept of disabilities. People have no concept of social responsibility. And I don't think even if people experienced it first hand that things would change. Then they would be all about their own cause. Poor me Poor me Poor me.
I don't believe in excuses. Having a disability is not an excuse. Claiming it's America and you have to earn what everyone else is despite all the hardships you have... because you don't want to "give handouts" to your neighbor, you heartless coward, is a huge excuse to get out of the social responsibility you have to your fellow human beings.
People deserve health care. People deserve nutritious meals. People deserve to work jobs that don't kill them. Quality of life. Period. That's fair.
http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/multimedia/video/video.html?video=951077
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pilG7PCV448&feature=player_embedded
I don't believe in excuses. Having a disability is not an excuse. Claiming it's America and you have to earn what everyone else is despite all the hardships you have... because you don't want to "give handouts" to your neighbor, you heartless coward, is a huge excuse to get out of the social responsibility you have to your fellow human beings.
People deserve health care. People deserve nutritious meals. People deserve to work jobs that don't kill them. Quality of life. Period. That's fair.
http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/multimedia/video/video.html?video=951077
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pilG7PCV448&feature=player_embedded
Monday, March 15, 2010
Holistic Healing notes 1
pg 4
According to the American Holistic Medical Association (AHMA), holistic medicine is defined as the art and science of healing that addresses the whole person- body, mind and spirit- by integrating conventional and alternative therapies to prevent and treat disease, and to promote optimal health. AHMA members recognize that both conventional and alternative therapies have their place and combine both in order to offer their patients a full range of treatment options tailored to each patient's
specific needs. At the same time, holistic physicians emphasize personal responsibility and educate their patients about how to take care of themselves at all levels of their being.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SO HOW DO WE FEED OURSELVES
----------------------------------------------------------
pg 14-15
Multilevel approach to wellness, body mind and soul.
HEALTH:
1! Physical. EXERCISE
2! Environmental. Nutrition. Respect. Being Grounded.
3! Mental. Goals. Optimism. Humor.
4! Emotional. Self-acceptance. Self-esteem. EXPRESSING WHAT YOU FEEL.
5! Spiritual. Having sense of purpose. Trusting you intuition.
Being able to welcome change.
6! Social. Enjoying intimacy. Being able to Forgive. Selflessness. Altruism.
Deep, committed relationships.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a philosophy. To live in a healthy space, we need to love ourselves and each other and allow ourselves to be the human beings we are. I believe this with every ounce I have. When we accept and love ourselves nothing will come but nurturing healing and an adoration for those around us. Because we all are human and share so much with each other after all.
According to the American Holistic Medical Association (AHMA), holistic medicine is defined as the art and science of healing that addresses the whole person- body, mind and spirit- by integrating conventional and alternative therapies to prevent and treat disease, and to promote optimal health. AHMA members recognize that both conventional and alternative therapies have their place and combine both in order to offer their patients a full range of treatment options tailored to each patient's
specific needs. At the same time, holistic physicians emphasize personal responsibility and educate their patients about how to take care of themselves at all levels of their being.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SO HOW DO WE FEED OURSELVES
----------------------------------------------------------
pg 14-15
Multilevel approach to wellness, body mind and soul.
HEALTH:
1! Physical. EXERCISE
2! Environmental. Nutrition. Respect. Being Grounded.
3! Mental. Goals. Optimism. Humor.
4! Emotional. Self-acceptance. Self-esteem. EXPRESSING WHAT YOU FEEL.
5! Spiritual. Having sense of purpose. Trusting you intuition.
Being able to welcome change.
6! Social. Enjoying intimacy. Being able to Forgive. Selflessness. Altruism.
Deep, committed relationships.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a philosophy. To live in a healthy space, we need to love ourselves and each other and allow ourselves to be the human beings we are. I believe this with every ounce I have. When we accept and love ourselves nothing will come but nurturing healing and an adoration for those around us. Because we all are human and share so much with each other after all.
goals 3/15/10
I feel my vitality, my power and the ebbing vibration connecting me to the universe. It is mine and I am rediscovering myself. So Alive.
When I lose track of this I feel as if I cannot breathe.
Few understand what I mean. See life as I do. I am enjoying my time in my mortal shell. My body is beautiful and will decay. My spirit is in tune with my frontal lobe. I will flourish. I will challenge. I will be fire until I die.
The things I hold important I will cherish until that day. Kindness. Love. Loyalty. Passion. Companionship. There are some words that hold so much meaning for me.
Though words mean different things to different people.
The words that could make my heart soar... may make others cringe.
All of our experiences are different.
It is my challenge to let others feel as they do about me and my beliefs.
It is very hard.
I am very proud.
But I know I am very healthy. I have a lot of love in my heart.
My second challenge:
I understand that creativity flows from my pores.
I am still figuring out how to use my gifts.
Incorporate my ethics with my gifts and maybe bring light into others lives.
And lastly.
I need to be able to balance my life.
Money will come and go. How do I continue to live without obsessing over it?
I need to let go of my materialism.
Eat to satiate hunger.
Focus on my ideas.
When I lose track of this I feel as if I cannot breathe.
Few understand what I mean. See life as I do. I am enjoying my time in my mortal shell. My body is beautiful and will decay. My spirit is in tune with my frontal lobe. I will flourish. I will challenge. I will be fire until I die.
The things I hold important I will cherish until that day. Kindness. Love. Loyalty. Passion. Companionship. There are some words that hold so much meaning for me.
Though words mean different things to different people.
The words that could make my heart soar... may make others cringe.
All of our experiences are different.
It is my challenge to let others feel as they do about me and my beliefs.
It is very hard.
I am very proud.
But I know I am very healthy. I have a lot of love in my heart.
My second challenge:
I understand that creativity flows from my pores.
I am still figuring out how to use my gifts.
Incorporate my ethics with my gifts and maybe bring light into others lives.
And lastly.
I need to be able to balance my life.
Money will come and go. How do I continue to live without obsessing over it?
I need to let go of my materialism.
Eat to satiate hunger.
Focus on my ideas.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
consuming consumerism
why can't we create instead?
we would be a lot less bored with ourselves.
shopping. drugs. drinking. sex.
i miss the warm. so i could just bike at midnight. or lay in some grass.
the winter is driving me nuts.
i just think about lying on the sidewalk at Antioch. watching shooting stars to keep myself sane. measuring my breathing.
breathing.
clarity.
we find ourselves in this, (and many other cultures)having to be constantly entertained. i remember when one of my mantras was, "if you are bored.. you just need to slow down." there is so much going on in your senses. pay attention to your body. i feel as if ive lost the connection to my sensual self. im too busy to just be. or rather.. its been replaced with movies.
biking is my connection with myself now.
we would be a lot less bored with ourselves.
shopping. drugs. drinking. sex.
i miss the warm. so i could just bike at midnight. or lay in some grass.
the winter is driving me nuts.
i just think about lying on the sidewalk at Antioch. watching shooting stars to keep myself sane. measuring my breathing.
breathing.
clarity.
we find ourselves in this, (and many other cultures)having to be constantly entertained. i remember when one of my mantras was, "if you are bored.. you just need to slow down." there is so much going on in your senses. pay attention to your body. i feel as if ive lost the connection to my sensual self. im too busy to just be. or rather.. its been replaced with movies.
biking is my connection with myself now.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
David
The most common complaint I have had about boyfriends past is that they don't see me for who I am. They see me for what they want me to be. Then when they find out who I am, they are disappointed.
I don't feel this at all with David. I feel safe, solid and understood on a level that I don't know if I've ever seen before in a relationship.
He is fun, smart, handsome and easy for me to be around.
This new relationship is a beautiful thing.
My new man is untouchable.
I feel incredibly lucky.
I am incredibly happy.
I don't feel this at all with David. I feel safe, solid and understood on a level that I don't know if I've ever seen before in a relationship.
He is fun, smart, handsome and easy for me to be around.
This new relationship is a beautiful thing.
My new man is untouchable.
I feel incredibly lucky.
I am incredibly happy.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Lecture websites make me hot
http://www.businessinnovationfactory.com/iss/video/bif5-jonah-lehrer
I am always Starving for new ideas
From new people
New concepts
Build on the fact
Building is breathing
I am always Starving for new ideas
From new people
New concepts
Build on the fact
Building is breathing
Friday, February 19, 2010
melonart
http://www.mellonfineart.com/
and why i love him.
http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/the-pheonix-m-mellon.jpg
and why i love him.
http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/the-pheonix-m-mellon.jpg
side effects
Thought about my accident this morning.
Thought about my grades and how they dropped after my accident.
Wondered about who I might be and what more I could have accomplished if it hadnt been for my accident.
I'm a little depressed.
Thought about my grades and how they dropped after my accident.
Wondered about who I might be and what more I could have accomplished if it hadnt been for my accident.
I'm a little depressed.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
valentine's day 2010
You better believe I was dressed to kill today.
Lady in a long black evening dress with her shiny lace bra peeking through.
Kept warm by her cashmere shawl and a black winter jacket shared by her sister.
Eyes done up pink and gold and dark red lips.
Worked all day. Sincerely cheerful, I played with people all day. Dancing around and joking.
I only felt it shoved in my face commuting.
But these heels walked proud today.
Now thrown in a corner, and my dress in a pile by my bed.
I smile as I was going to write about how sultry I am..
I'm a complete wreck. Makeup everywhere, dishes and emergen-c packets on my bed.
Because I've got a head cold. Which is not a surprise with how I've been eating lately. I want to bike tomorrow. I hate waiting for that goddamn bus and walking in the cold. I'd rather be flying in the cold and heated up by my own exertion.
Like I need anyone to tell me that I'm pretty on valentine's day.
Me being pretty is all many ever see and it is the bare surface of my worth.
My gut. My power. My fire. That is nothing the public eye can see.
Save for my blogs. :)
Anyone can be pretty.
My ethics and how I stand by for what I believe in.
How I choose my battles. How I compromise.
How I open my heart. Again. Again and Again. Even when the outcome seems futile.
My undying faith in humanity.
These are a few of the many things I hold inside of me that help determine my worth.
When I find a suitable partner, those will be the things in me that he loves.
He will love that I am wild. He will share my unquenchable thirst for knowledge and adventure. And we will curse the night and bless the world and live to the fullest.
Forever, amen.
Lady in a long black evening dress with her shiny lace bra peeking through.
Kept warm by her cashmere shawl and a black winter jacket shared by her sister.
Eyes done up pink and gold and dark red lips.
Worked all day. Sincerely cheerful, I played with people all day. Dancing around and joking.
I only felt it shoved in my face commuting.
But these heels walked proud today.
Now thrown in a corner, and my dress in a pile by my bed.
I smile as I was going to write about how sultry I am..
I'm a complete wreck. Makeup everywhere, dishes and emergen-c packets on my bed.
Because I've got a head cold. Which is not a surprise with how I've been eating lately. I want to bike tomorrow. I hate waiting for that goddamn bus and walking in the cold. I'd rather be flying in the cold and heated up by my own exertion.
Like I need anyone to tell me that I'm pretty on valentine's day.
Me being pretty is all many ever see and it is the bare surface of my worth.
My gut. My power. My fire. That is nothing the public eye can see.
Save for my blogs. :)
Anyone can be pretty.
My ethics and how I stand by for what I believe in.
How I choose my battles. How I compromise.
How I open my heart. Again. Again and Again. Even when the outcome seems futile.
My undying faith in humanity.
These are a few of the many things I hold inside of me that help determine my worth.
When I find a suitable partner, those will be the things in me that he loves.
He will love that I am wild. He will share my unquenchable thirst for knowledge and adventure. And we will curse the night and bless the world and live to the fullest.
Forever, amen.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Fucking up.
I don't really feel that a person can fuck up. Unless you die.
But if you aren't dead.. you should feel proud.. you made it this far.
Life is easier to some than others. For the ones where you don't face hardships day to day.. you're challenge is boredom.
To the outside world, we are made up of what we say, how we interact and what we do.
Having a healthy perspective will not only alleviate our own stress, worry and fear, it will also show us as capable to the rest of humankind.
I'm still working on my perspective. Some days are better than others.
And my vow to myself is that I will never put myself in a situation where I will become stagnant. Though it might not even be possible because life keeps rotating.
There were a couple f things on this Osha lecture dvd that I agree with.
It doesn't make sense to label things right or wrong. It makes sense to live with a healthy respect for yourself, for the people around you and for your environment.
But if you aren't dead.. you should feel proud.. you made it this far.
Life is easier to some than others. For the ones where you don't face hardships day to day.. you're challenge is boredom.
To the outside world, we are made up of what we say, how we interact and what we do.
Having a healthy perspective will not only alleviate our own stress, worry and fear, it will also show us as capable to the rest of humankind.
I'm still working on my perspective. Some days are better than others.
And my vow to myself is that I will never put myself in a situation where I will become stagnant. Though it might not even be possible because life keeps rotating.
There were a couple f things on this Osha lecture dvd that I agree with.
It doesn't make sense to label things right or wrong. It makes sense to live with a healthy respect for yourself, for the people around you and for your environment.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The other concept beg thoughts draft
The "Other" concept has been around since humanity began. You find it in religions and tribal myth and folk tales. It serves a purpose. This concept keeps tradition, some would say it also preserves culture: merriam-webster.com/dictionary/culture 2 and 5a,b.
Does culture preserve the other concept? yes ex: folk tales, popular culture, gays, women, groups. So where does holistic healing come in?
Education- taught how to live life/ what in life matters
The other concept is not necessary. at least not the key. (western culture) (definition self awareness) and Buddhism focuses on escaping otherism
scientific creationism theory 2-1-2
(though its irrelevant if its true)
look up holistic. are animals and plants holistic? is it a set of philosophies?
it transcends concept.
frontal lobe- culture process
pg 4 holistic healing "robert s ivker, d.o., past president of the ahma describes holistic health as 'the unlimited..." (melanie has my book.)
communication even more important than education science, amebas communicate
thats why otherism worked in smaller groups. Others were demonized or celebrated and did not encounter people similar to themselves.
Does culture preserve the other concept? yes ex: folk tales, popular culture, gays, women, groups. So where does holistic healing come in?
Education- taught how to live life/ what in life matters
The other concept is not necessary. at least not the key. (western culture) (definition self awareness) and Buddhism focuses on escaping otherism
scientific creationism theory 2-1-2
(though its irrelevant if its true)
look up holistic. are animals and plants holistic? is it a set of philosophies?
it transcends concept.
frontal lobe- culture process
pg 4 holistic healing "robert s ivker, d.o., past president of the ahma describes holistic health as 'the unlimited..." (melanie has my book.)
communication even more important than education science, amebas communicate
thats why otherism worked in smaller groups. Others were demonized or celebrated and did not encounter people similar to themselves.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
more last year... self healing
The power within me to heal is great. I've never questioned that.
Yet I always go running to others when I'm hurt.
Striving to find someone to heal me.
Last night being no exception.
He called, I ran.
But as soon as I walked into the room I wanted to run back.
His TV was on and while I was explaining.. he touched me.
The fear and the hurt I was exuding did not turn me on.
So I deflected him.
So he didn't hold me- blamed it on his hurting arm.
I came from a place of my control
Yo Yo Ma was lulling me to sleep on my couch wrapped in my blankets
The touch was all wrong.
The smell was all wrong.
And there was this uncomfortable silence.
After he turned the TV off.
After I made a move to leave.
Saying I was being dramatic.
What controlling words.
Very subtle though.
Were I not who I am
With all I've been through
I would have let that slip.
I whispered injustices before I
Filled Yo Yo Ma in my head from memory
Making my head vibrate to the
Point of knocking me out
I am a completely different creature than he is
Completely comfortable in all the ways he is not
When I want to grieve.. I grieve
BUT I need to be surrounded by myself.
I am my own healing power,
This is the most profound understanding that I've come to in this whole year.
Yet I always go running to others when I'm hurt.
Striving to find someone to heal me.
Last night being no exception.
He called, I ran.
But as soon as I walked into the room I wanted to run back.
His TV was on and while I was explaining.. he touched me.
The fear and the hurt I was exuding did not turn me on.
So I deflected him.
So he didn't hold me- blamed it on his hurting arm.
I came from a place of my control
Yo Yo Ma was lulling me to sleep on my couch wrapped in my blankets
The touch was all wrong.
The smell was all wrong.
And there was this uncomfortable silence.
After he turned the TV off.
After I made a move to leave.
Saying I was being dramatic.
What controlling words.
Very subtle though.
Were I not who I am
With all I've been through
I would have let that slip.
I whispered injustices before I
Filled Yo Yo Ma in my head from memory
Making my head vibrate to the
Point of knocking me out
I am a completely different creature than he is
Completely comfortable in all the ways he is not
When I want to grieve.. I grieve
BUT I need to be surrounded by myself.
I am my own healing power,
This is the most profound understanding that I've come to in this whole year.
I Want To Be Don Juan (Some last year scribbles)
It is very hard to walk anywhere and not communicate with someone.
There was a bird dancing in front of me.
This tiny delicate soft brown bird.
He would look back occasionally to see my labored trudge through the sand.
Eventually I got too close.
He chirped once and flew low over the rolling waves.
I worried for him.
Sometimes I am very aware hoe foreign the ocean is.
It's also hard not to have a destination.
I trekked up my dune and found myself looking over a valley of green.
Which reminds me strongly of A Land Before Time.
So feeling like a dinosaur I watch the sand roll beneath my feet.
I suddenly look up- I feel very small and vulnerable.
The stalks are my height.
Animals are rustling the leaves... grass...
As I progress- I decide to make myself physically smaller to own what I was feeling.
I see a tiny patch of shade and take advantage.
For a while I play in the sand.
The smell brings back memories of childhood.
I envision pirates and admire the straw colored grasshoppers.
Walking back I notice that the crab shells I'm finding are almost always a pair.
I wonder at the intelligence of the creatures I can't see.
Then I notice I'm stepping on breathing holes and I hurry out of the way.
Being unintrusive takes up a lot of my energy.
When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a mermaid.
My kindergarten teacher was a little worried.
Now I can't even go into the ocean without feeling like an intruder.
Up on the shore I start picking up
Admiring
The smoothness of the stones
The air feels so clean
I find a worry stone!
When I was little my parents were into alternative culture and I was into rocks.
They would take me to the rock and crystal store where there were bowls of pet rocks
Rocks separated by name
Rocks with totem animals engraved in them...
Worry stones are stones that have a dip in them where thumbs fit
You rub them and they absorb your negative energy
I heard this man made buzzing sound.
Annoyed I look up.
To my delight it was two toy planes and I peaked around the corner to the parking lot
I saw these two old men in suspenders.
I looked down smiling and found another worry stone.
Hurrying to the car I saw another man with a kite
And thought about how fun people are. Maybe I should buy my sister a kite.
There was a bird dancing in front of me.
This tiny delicate soft brown bird.
He would look back occasionally to see my labored trudge through the sand.
Eventually I got too close.
He chirped once and flew low over the rolling waves.
I worried for him.
Sometimes I am very aware hoe foreign the ocean is.
It's also hard not to have a destination.
I trekked up my dune and found myself looking over a valley of green.
Which reminds me strongly of A Land Before Time.
So feeling like a dinosaur I watch the sand roll beneath my feet.
I suddenly look up- I feel very small and vulnerable.
The stalks are my height.
Animals are rustling the leaves... grass...
As I progress- I decide to make myself physically smaller to own what I was feeling.
I see a tiny patch of shade and take advantage.
For a while I play in the sand.
The smell brings back memories of childhood.
I envision pirates and admire the straw colored grasshoppers.
Walking back I notice that the crab shells I'm finding are almost always a pair.
I wonder at the intelligence of the creatures I can't see.
Then I notice I'm stepping on breathing holes and I hurry out of the way.
Being unintrusive takes up a lot of my energy.
When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a mermaid.
My kindergarten teacher was a little worried.
Now I can't even go into the ocean without feeling like an intruder.
Up on the shore I start picking up
Admiring
The smoothness of the stones
The air feels so clean
I find a worry stone!
When I was little my parents were into alternative culture and I was into rocks.
They would take me to the rock and crystal store where there were bowls of pet rocks
Rocks separated by name
Rocks with totem animals engraved in them...
Worry stones are stones that have a dip in them where thumbs fit
You rub them and they absorb your negative energy
I heard this man made buzzing sound.
Annoyed I look up.
To my delight it was two toy planes and I peaked around the corner to the parking lot
I saw these two old men in suspenders.
I looked down smiling and found another worry stone.
Hurrying to the car I saw another man with a kite
And thought about how fun people are. Maybe I should buy my sister a kite.
New Animals I'm in Love with.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_spider
The Jumping Spider
and
Nudibranchs!
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2008/06/nudibranchs/doubilet-photography
THEY ARE SO THE CUTEST EVER>
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hang up with Buddhism??
For as long as I can remember whenever I try and study Buddhism, I come upon some walls which hold me back from really learning about it.
I think I may get very defensive.
Blocks go up in my head.
But I think that the definition of words might just be different.... God I don't know.. so I'm going to force myself to research it paying special attention to my feelings.
For instance.. I couldn't even get through the first page of the introduction to this book without getting pissed. It's about compassion. It talks about how passion is lust and compassion is love. Passion makes you a slave.
So if you read my last post you know how important I think it is to have passion in your life. It is your FLAVOR. It is your own Excitement. So this downing passion really gets to me. Perhaps I don't understand the point.. I feel like I'm not getting it.
I think I may get very defensive.
Blocks go up in my head.
But I think that the definition of words might just be different.... God I don't know.. so I'm going to force myself to research it paying special attention to my feelings.
For instance.. I couldn't even get through the first page of the introduction to this book without getting pissed. It's about compassion. It talks about how passion is lust and compassion is love. Passion makes you a slave.
So if you read my last post you know how important I think it is to have passion in your life. It is your FLAVOR. It is your own Excitement. So this downing passion really gets to me. Perhaps I don't understand the point.. I feel like I'm not getting it.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
PBS on mental illness
It was very informative. And I related to a lot. However.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.
YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.
You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.
Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.
I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.
AHHH PBS. FAIL.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.
YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.
You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.
Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.
I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.
AHHH PBS. FAIL.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
robot gf vs skin and bones.
http://www.buzzybloggers.com/technology/967/roxxxy-robot-girlfriend-debuts-photo-and-pics/
just a short commentary.
at first i thought:
finally! now creeps who want a girl to screw and just be there the rest of the time will leave us real girls alone.
second thought:
wait. is that really all guys want from partners? ive heard so many say "i just want to be happy" "no drama" is that all you want in life? because true happiness is not found in lethargy.
third thought:
that is kind of weird and disturbing
then i forgot about it. i feel comatose stressed out and need a real smoke.
all my shit is surrounding me and its hard to get grounded.
taking a shower it came to mind again.
I am love with humans. People. Raw emotion. Kissing tears. Being moved.
Human flaws can be just as beautiful. Human quirks are wonderful.
How sad to live in a world where your gf is so fake she can only say she understands how you feel.
i may lead a very interesting life.. and it may not always be "happy" but goddamn it.
i am a human being after all.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Happiness number one
I'll write more on this later.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/happiness
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/ade61225.page
I have sat down with my grandmother very often and thought about what I want to do with my life. What, if I could do anything at all.. What I Want To Do.
The answer is so simple for me. I want to help other people help themselves.
And not just that.. I want to help other people become passionate and excited about life. I want to have them grow excited about taking care of themselves so that maybe.. in a domino effect their compassion and sincerity will grow. Perhaps they will begin to help each other and our societies will flourish and prosper with healthy individuals who are both leaders and team players.
My main objective later last year:
To study neuroscience, psychology and sociology. I want to bridge the gap between the sciences and the humanities. I want to communicate healthy ideas that will help us with this nation's epidemic of mental illness so that we will be in the right space to heal both physically and spiritually.
Unless people are healthy and happy.. positive and outgoing.. there may never be resolve. There Must be resolve.
People are so amazing, creative, driven. Our limits are only what we set for ourselves.
INCLUDING HAPPINESS.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/happiness
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/ade61225.page
I have sat down with my grandmother very often and thought about what I want to do with my life. What, if I could do anything at all.. What I Want To Do.
The answer is so simple for me. I want to help other people help themselves.
And not just that.. I want to help other people become passionate and excited about life. I want to have them grow excited about taking care of themselves so that maybe.. in a domino effect their compassion and sincerity will grow. Perhaps they will begin to help each other and our societies will flourish and prosper with healthy individuals who are both leaders and team players.
My main objective later last year:
To study neuroscience, psychology and sociology. I want to bridge the gap between the sciences and the humanities. I want to communicate healthy ideas that will help us with this nation's epidemic of mental illness so that we will be in the right space to heal both physically and spiritually.
Unless people are healthy and happy.. positive and outgoing.. there may never be resolve. There Must be resolve.
People are so amazing, creative, driven. Our limits are only what we set for ourselves.
INCLUDING HAPPINESS.
Monday, January 4, 2010
magic's spark
one cool midsummer's night
i took a walk
what did i seek to find
on my walk
the moon was full
the stars were bright
and in my eyes they danced
open my arms and find my heart
this is how the magic starts
i took a walk
what did i seek to find
on my walk
the moon was full
the stars were bright
and in my eyes they danced
open my arms and find my heart
this is how the magic starts
Sunday, January 3, 2010
For the dead of winter. (New Year)
Equinox and solstice.
This time of the year through an "episode" of mine and my soon to be step father. I find that I have a neurological dysfunction.
What a sense of relief.
I mean it. Sincerely wholeheartedly and as genuine as I can. Thank God.
I'm starting to realize all of the things I just thought were quirks.. might be something more. Like reaching for the toilet paper coming out of the shower.. and then saying.. oops wrong one. And then grabbing the towel.
Or having to constantly remind myself of things not to forget them.
Or not relating to people my own age at all...
At least now I know what may be a factor.
Instead of it holding me back.. it feels like that knowledge has opened doors.
In other news. I still want a hula hoop. I may be getting sick and I want to be moved already. <3
Grandpa. I've never met you.. but I've always known you.
Mommy's post:
"A favorite pastime among some of the crew members while docked was to bait seagulls. On the docks they would hook a line with fish and wait for the gulls to eat it then as the gull took flight, they would yank the bird back down into the sea.
My father told us that he and his buddy would wait until the bastards were started then go along the dock and kick each one in the ass and send them into the water!!!
... See More
I wonder how I inherited my sense of social justice??? "
"Found this at my sister's house- never saw it before.... my father told us all he was a cook in the Navy- he wasn't- he was a coxswain (at least I don't think this a cook rank by the info I got on-line- Ralph, do you have any idea?) and he received this letter of commendation. I already did some research and found the Captain's son and emailed him!"
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