i had been watching a few of those heart warming films for gay/bi/transgendered kids out there.
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/0/7IcVyvg2Qlo
I've been thinking about what I would say to kids who have mental disorders. People who have no fucking clue about what is wrong with them. People who feel extremely passionate and extremely sad sometimes. People who can't handle the amount of stress that "normal" people don't have a problem with.
I am so tired of life sometimes that all I can do is fantasize about no one loving me or caring. The freedom to think about ending it all. Rest.
There are times where I struggle so much inside myself that I shut off for hours, delving into my obsessive compulsive behaviors or just sobbing and rocking back and forth.
I do not hate myself. In fact.. I have never hated myself.
I've always loved myself and the world that I have inside my head.
I have always loved with my whole heart, and been loved. Honestly and openly.
After high school I didn't identify with most people any more for several personal reasons.
The people i did identify with were addicts and people who were living in their own worlds. Artists. Musicians. With dreams of leaving everything and hitchhiking wherever. Surviving with the elements. Things i could never dream of doing. These people were heroes to me.
This is what I thought I would be doing if I fit better in my body.
But I felt too big...
I couldn't do what I wanted to do in human form.
I wanted to be the wind. Or mountains. Or stars. Big balls of gas that just exist in brilliance. Non of this pretend "real life" human bull shit, which doesn't matter in the first place. In the long run.
My mother has helped me out so much with explaining to me that we are stardust. That there are certain people who don't fit- not because we are weak.. but because we are philosophers, artists.. people who think with all of their senses, not just our frontal lobes. It is not that we can not fit into the norm, we should refuse with all of our being to be placed in or outside of a box. We are the space that exists without the box. Another dimension.
What is the worth of this life?
I know that it is about the journey. So I fight. I fight really hard to always be changing for the better. I fight so that I don't get stuck in situations that make me sick. Sometimes for people that means therapy, medicine, changing jobs, diets, routines. Sometimes it means reaching out more, or withdrawing and taking care of yourself. It is hard with mental illness. Everyone has a different experience. Sometimes it doesn't even take mental illness to feel completely alone.
So I suppose if I were to talk to people who don't understand where they fit. What is going on in their brains. Those who struggle with things that most people don't understand...
I would say.. keep fighting. Keep changing. Keep dreaming.
Allow yourself room to do what you need to do. Keep moving. Keep that routine that lets you have peace.
Fight to stay on top of your shit.
Even when it's all over the place.
Change to see what you love about yourself come to light for other people and to yourself.
Don't ever feel stuck.
Dream of opportunities to get out of negative space.
Opportunities such as school, working with the elderly, working for yourself, making a band, adopting a pet, renewing relationships with family or making new family.
Remember we are animals. Social animals. If you don't like people, get a gerbil.
Always reach out. Always network. Laugh more. Cry as needed.
You are strong enough.
You are worth enough.
Life is worth whatever you want to make of it.
You have the power to make it amazing. For yourself and for others.
