The power within me to heal is great. I've never questioned that.
Yet I always go running to others when I'm hurt.
Striving to find someone to heal me.
Last night being no exception.
He called, I ran.
But as soon as I walked into the room I wanted to run back.
His TV was on and while I was explaining.. he touched me.
The fear and the hurt I was exuding did not turn me on.
So I deflected him.
So he didn't hold me- blamed it on his hurting arm.
I came from a place of my control
Yo Yo Ma was lulling me to sleep on my couch wrapped in my blankets
The touch was all wrong.
The smell was all wrong.
And there was this uncomfortable silence.
After he turned the TV off.
After I made a move to leave.
Saying I was being dramatic.
What controlling words.
Very subtle though.
Were I not who I am
With all I've been through
I would have let that slip.
I whispered injustices before I
Filled Yo Yo Ma in my head from memory
Making my head vibrate to the
Point of knocking me out
I am a completely different creature than he is
Completely comfortable in all the ways he is not
When I want to grieve.. I grieve
BUT I need to be surrounded by myself.
I am my own healing power,
This is the most profound understanding that I've come to in this whole year.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I Want To Be Don Juan (Some last year scribbles)
It is very hard to walk anywhere and not communicate with someone.
There was a bird dancing in front of me.
This tiny delicate soft brown bird.
He would look back occasionally to see my labored trudge through the sand.
Eventually I got too close.
He chirped once and flew low over the rolling waves.
I worried for him.
Sometimes I am very aware hoe foreign the ocean is.
It's also hard not to have a destination.
I trekked up my dune and found myself looking over a valley of green.
Which reminds me strongly of A Land Before Time.
So feeling like a dinosaur I watch the sand roll beneath my feet.
I suddenly look up- I feel very small and vulnerable.
The stalks are my height.
Animals are rustling the leaves... grass...
As I progress- I decide to make myself physically smaller to own what I was feeling.
I see a tiny patch of shade and take advantage.
For a while I play in the sand.
The smell brings back memories of childhood.
I envision pirates and admire the straw colored grasshoppers.
Walking back I notice that the crab shells I'm finding are almost always a pair.
I wonder at the intelligence of the creatures I can't see.
Then I notice I'm stepping on breathing holes and I hurry out of the way.
Being unintrusive takes up a lot of my energy.
When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a mermaid.
My kindergarten teacher was a little worried.
Now I can't even go into the ocean without feeling like an intruder.
Up on the shore I start picking up
Admiring
The smoothness of the stones
The air feels so clean
I find a worry stone!
When I was little my parents were into alternative culture and I was into rocks.
They would take me to the rock and crystal store where there were bowls of pet rocks
Rocks separated by name
Rocks with totem animals engraved in them...
Worry stones are stones that have a dip in them where thumbs fit
You rub them and they absorb your negative energy
I heard this man made buzzing sound.
Annoyed I look up.
To my delight it was two toy planes and I peaked around the corner to the parking lot
I saw these two old men in suspenders.
I looked down smiling and found another worry stone.
Hurrying to the car I saw another man with a kite
And thought about how fun people are. Maybe I should buy my sister a kite.
There was a bird dancing in front of me.
This tiny delicate soft brown bird.
He would look back occasionally to see my labored trudge through the sand.
Eventually I got too close.
He chirped once and flew low over the rolling waves.
I worried for him.
Sometimes I am very aware hoe foreign the ocean is.
It's also hard not to have a destination.
I trekked up my dune and found myself looking over a valley of green.
Which reminds me strongly of A Land Before Time.
So feeling like a dinosaur I watch the sand roll beneath my feet.
I suddenly look up- I feel very small and vulnerable.
The stalks are my height.
Animals are rustling the leaves... grass...
As I progress- I decide to make myself physically smaller to own what I was feeling.
I see a tiny patch of shade and take advantage.
For a while I play in the sand.
The smell brings back memories of childhood.
I envision pirates and admire the straw colored grasshoppers.
Walking back I notice that the crab shells I'm finding are almost always a pair.
I wonder at the intelligence of the creatures I can't see.
Then I notice I'm stepping on breathing holes and I hurry out of the way.
Being unintrusive takes up a lot of my energy.
When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a mermaid.
My kindergarten teacher was a little worried.
Now I can't even go into the ocean without feeling like an intruder.
Up on the shore I start picking up
Admiring
The smoothness of the stones
The air feels so clean
I find a worry stone!
When I was little my parents were into alternative culture and I was into rocks.
They would take me to the rock and crystal store where there were bowls of pet rocks
Rocks separated by name
Rocks with totem animals engraved in them...
Worry stones are stones that have a dip in them where thumbs fit
You rub them and they absorb your negative energy
I heard this man made buzzing sound.
Annoyed I look up.
To my delight it was two toy planes and I peaked around the corner to the parking lot
I saw these two old men in suspenders.
I looked down smiling and found another worry stone.
Hurrying to the car I saw another man with a kite
And thought about how fun people are. Maybe I should buy my sister a kite.
New Animals I'm in Love with.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_spider
The Jumping Spider
and
Nudibranchs!
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2008/06/nudibranchs/doubilet-photography
THEY ARE SO THE CUTEST EVER>
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hang up with Buddhism??
For as long as I can remember whenever I try and study Buddhism, I come upon some walls which hold me back from really learning about it.
I think I may get very defensive.
Blocks go up in my head.
But I think that the definition of words might just be different.... God I don't know.. so I'm going to force myself to research it paying special attention to my feelings.
For instance.. I couldn't even get through the first page of the introduction to this book without getting pissed. It's about compassion. It talks about how passion is lust and compassion is love. Passion makes you a slave.
So if you read my last post you know how important I think it is to have passion in your life. It is your FLAVOR. It is your own Excitement. So this downing passion really gets to me. Perhaps I don't understand the point.. I feel like I'm not getting it.
I think I may get very defensive.
Blocks go up in my head.
But I think that the definition of words might just be different.... God I don't know.. so I'm going to force myself to research it paying special attention to my feelings.
For instance.. I couldn't even get through the first page of the introduction to this book without getting pissed. It's about compassion. It talks about how passion is lust and compassion is love. Passion makes you a slave.
So if you read my last post you know how important I think it is to have passion in your life. It is your FLAVOR. It is your own Excitement. So this downing passion really gets to me. Perhaps I don't understand the point.. I feel like I'm not getting it.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
PBS on mental illness
It was very informative. And I related to a lot. However.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.
YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.
You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.
Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.
I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.
AHHH PBS. FAIL.
Not once did they say that the brain is a muscle. Not once. They pushed the idea of pills and never once focused on holistic healing or Diet and Exercise.
Just pills and therapy will Never complete the feeling of well being.
Well being comes from Body, Mind and Spirit.
Also they never focused or even talked about the importance of Passion.
The ending he simplified it, (as he always does) to "Too much/ little emotion and logic is bad. It's a balance." WRONG.
Emotion is fine. Logic is fine. Where are you putting it? How are you letting it out? It IS a balance. But you can learn to live with what life gave you just fine.
Sometimes you may need a pill to better balance you.. but it won't balance you completely. Then what? Then you feel like a freak because you aren't perfectly balanced? NO. Build on yourself so you will love yourself more. Delve into your mind and do what you like to do. Do it again and again and find more love for yourself. Then once you find that you are in love with yourself, (again or for the first time) You impact everything around you for the positive.
YOU IMPACT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.
You will have the energy and the drive to find like minded in love with themselves people who are in love with life. You will build your community. You will have set backs and live normally through life with all it's ups and downs, but you will be present. And hopefully. You will be on your own side. Backing yourself. Less lonely because you are able and capable. And you Know it.
Obviously I am writing from experience. I am writing with dreams and hopes and plans in mind.
I am not saying that people with mental illness need to buck up, or even that they have a choice. They do not.
However. They are NOT lost souls. The situation is Never hopeless. It deeply depends on perspective and being able to pull yourself out of your own mind. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. Food and exercise is so basic though. Faith. Maybe not in spirituality.. but more importantly in yourself. Building it.
Realizing that you are not powerless.. but in fact have more power that you could ever know.
AHHH PBS. FAIL.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
robot gf vs skin and bones.
http://www.buzzybloggers.com/technology/967/roxxxy-robot-girlfriend-debuts-photo-and-pics/
just a short commentary.
at first i thought:
finally! now creeps who want a girl to screw and just be there the rest of the time will leave us real girls alone.
second thought:
wait. is that really all guys want from partners? ive heard so many say "i just want to be happy" "no drama" is that all you want in life? because true happiness is not found in lethargy.
third thought:
that is kind of weird and disturbing
then i forgot about it. i feel comatose stressed out and need a real smoke.
all my shit is surrounding me and its hard to get grounded.
taking a shower it came to mind again.
I am love with humans. People. Raw emotion. Kissing tears. Being moved.
Human flaws can be just as beautiful. Human quirks are wonderful.
How sad to live in a world where your gf is so fake she can only say she understands how you feel.
i may lead a very interesting life.. and it may not always be "happy" but goddamn it.
i am a human being after all.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Happiness number one
I'll write more on this later.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/happiness
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/ade61225.page
I have sat down with my grandmother very often and thought about what I want to do with my life. What, if I could do anything at all.. What I Want To Do.
The answer is so simple for me. I want to help other people help themselves.
And not just that.. I want to help other people become passionate and excited about life. I want to have them grow excited about taking care of themselves so that maybe.. in a domino effect their compassion and sincerity will grow. Perhaps they will begin to help each other and our societies will flourish and prosper with healthy individuals who are both leaders and team players.
My main objective later last year:
To study neuroscience, psychology and sociology. I want to bridge the gap between the sciences and the humanities. I want to communicate healthy ideas that will help us with this nation's epidemic of mental illness so that we will be in the right space to heal both physically and spiritually.
Unless people are healthy and happy.. positive and outgoing.. there may never be resolve. There Must be resolve.
People are so amazing, creative, driven. Our limits are only what we set for ourselves.
INCLUDING HAPPINESS.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/happiness
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/ade61225.page
I have sat down with my grandmother very often and thought about what I want to do with my life. What, if I could do anything at all.. What I Want To Do.
The answer is so simple for me. I want to help other people help themselves.
And not just that.. I want to help other people become passionate and excited about life. I want to have them grow excited about taking care of themselves so that maybe.. in a domino effect their compassion and sincerity will grow. Perhaps they will begin to help each other and our societies will flourish and prosper with healthy individuals who are both leaders and team players.
My main objective later last year:
To study neuroscience, psychology and sociology. I want to bridge the gap between the sciences and the humanities. I want to communicate healthy ideas that will help us with this nation's epidemic of mental illness so that we will be in the right space to heal both physically and spiritually.
Unless people are healthy and happy.. positive and outgoing.. there may never be resolve. There Must be resolve.
People are so amazing, creative, driven. Our limits are only what we set for ourselves.
INCLUDING HAPPINESS.
Monday, January 4, 2010
magic's spark
one cool midsummer's night
i took a walk
what did i seek to find
on my walk
the moon was full
the stars were bright
and in my eyes they danced
open my arms and find my heart
this is how the magic starts
i took a walk
what did i seek to find
on my walk
the moon was full
the stars were bright
and in my eyes they danced
open my arms and find my heart
this is how the magic starts
Sunday, January 3, 2010
For the dead of winter. (New Year)
Equinox and solstice.
This time of the year through an "episode" of mine and my soon to be step father. I find that I have a neurological dysfunction.
What a sense of relief.
I mean it. Sincerely wholeheartedly and as genuine as I can. Thank God.
I'm starting to realize all of the things I just thought were quirks.. might be something more. Like reaching for the toilet paper coming out of the shower.. and then saying.. oops wrong one. And then grabbing the towel.
Or having to constantly remind myself of things not to forget them.
Or not relating to people my own age at all...
At least now I know what may be a factor.
Instead of it holding me back.. it feels like that knowledge has opened doors.
In other news. I still want a hula hoop. I may be getting sick and I want to be moved already. <3
Grandpa. I've never met you.. but I've always known you.
Mommy's post:
"A favorite pastime among some of the crew members while docked was to bait seagulls. On the docks they would hook a line with fish and wait for the gulls to eat it then as the gull took flight, they would yank the bird back down into the sea.
My father told us that he and his buddy would wait until the bastards were started then go along the dock and kick each one in the ass and send them into the water!!!
... See More
I wonder how I inherited my sense of social justice??? "
"Found this at my sister's house- never saw it before.... my father told us all he was a cook in the Navy- he wasn't- he was a coxswain (at least I don't think this a cook rank by the info I got on-line- Ralph, do you have any idea?) and he received this letter of commendation. I already did some research and found the Captain's son and emailed him!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)